Memory Lapse
by Peanutbutter1
Summary: Relena was being held in prison and when Heero comes to break her out things go wrong. Now Heero is unconcious and Relena is forced to take charge. They're hurt, lost and Oz is hot on their trail... Here is Chapter 11
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing ****

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing

_hehe I did it again. I started another series. But the others I'm still writing. I'm in the process of writing the epilogue of 'Save the World' and the last two chapter of 'Lose and Gain' 

Memory Lapse

Chapter 1 'The escape'

* * * * * * ** * * **Heero**

"Get up!" 

The voice was a demand and it penetrated my thoughts fully begging me to come awake. I blinked and tried to determine where I was. I could hear voices. I felt something wet falling on my face. Opening my eyes wide I looked up. It was night. There were trees blowing all round me as rain beat down on my body. 

"Get up!" 

The voice demanded again and I felt a pressure on my arm as if someone was pulling me to my feet. "Who…" I managed with a raged breath. I was shocked to realize I couldn't lift myself up. It didn't make sense. 

"Heero you have to get up." 

This time the voice was desperate. I didn't know who was calling me. I wanted to know, but the identity of the voice alluded me. I turned my shaking vision to my side were the voice was still pulling at my arm. My breath caught in my throat as I took in the shaky vision. A saw stinging blond hair and deep aqua eyes as a flash of lightening lit the forest. The woman was beautiful. There was water dripping off her face and down her slender neck. I wanted to know who she was. I reached my hand up and cupped her cheek. She looked at me as if I were crazy her eyes widening in shock. "Beautiful." I croaked and fell into unconsciousness.

* * * * * * * * * * **Relena**

All I knew was that I had to get him out of here. There was no telling when the oz soldier would return. If we didn't move quickly we would both be caught. Desperately I looked over my shoulder at the shattered mobile suit. There had to be something in there that I could use. Giving Heero one last fleeting look I ran to the suit tripping all the way on sodden slippery leaves and newly made mud. My feet splashed through the puddles sending sprays of liquid up soaking the pant legs of my business suit. I didn't care though I had to help him. 

The suit wasn't hard to reach and I grabbed hold of the destroyed cockpit door and pulled myself into the seat. On the way up my thigh caught a piece of sharp metal and I let out a cry as it tore into my skin as I slid up the slickened suit into the compartment. Desperately I shut my eyes and hissed as I felt the blood running down my leg now that I was shielded from the rain. It hurt. I couldn't remember something ever hurting so badly. I ignored the pain though. I had to find something to help Heero. 

My hands were pulling at compartments, ripping pieces of metal as I frantically searched. Finally I found a compartment in the floor and pulled the door open. A flash of lightening lit the space and I saw it a little black box on the floor. Reaching inside I lifted it out and flipped the clips on the side pulling the case open. An array of medical supplies dazzled my eyes and I shut it carefully and clutched it to my chest. At least now I could bandage his wounds. Tucking the case under my arm I moved back to the storage space and found a pair of clothes two blankets and a small pack of food and water. I thanked god that the former pilot of this mobile suit had been so prepared and that Heero had thankfully picked this suit. 

Pulling the items to my chest, I looked out over the top of the suit cockpit and back into the rain. I didn't have much time. They would be coming for us soon. As if on cue I saw the thick stream of a spotlight lighting the forest. I almost screamed as a suit appeared overhead. Scrambling from the cockpit I raced with my newfound supplies tucked under my arms to where Heero lay. His eyes were still shut and blood mixed with water ran down the side of his face. I knew he wasn't going to wake up and I knew that I'd never be able to carry of the supplies without help. 

I felt tear of frustration building in my eyes as I was faced with the dilemma. It didn't seem fair that he had saved me a hundred times and I couldn't return the favor once. Pulling one of the blankets free I dumped all the stuff in it and tied the ends together. Satisfied for the moment I looped it around my arm and turned back to Heero. I could hear the suit over head. I wouldn't be long until they found us and I wasn't going back to that prison and Heero was going there at all. Calling on strength I never knew I possessed I wrapped my arms around Heero's waist and lifted him up with a mighty heave. He fell onto my shoulder and I almost buckled under the weight. I wasn't used to this. Groaning, I forced myself to my feet and pulled Heero up with me half of him hanging over one shoulder. 

Looking up I saw the think beam heading for where we sat and I took my first step forward. I was so weighted down I didn't think I would be able to take another step and my leg was throbbing. I took another step and another when my leg crumpled underneath me and I fell on the ground Heero flying from my arms and into the brush. I screamed then full of rage and sorrow. I wasn't going to let it end like this. I wasn't going to let them get him. Scrambling back to where he lay I lifted him again. This time it was a little easier and I started walking. I was moving faster this time perhaps my determination making it possible. I could hear the suit overhead and I knew I had to move faster. 'Please.' I begged. 'Help me.' No sooner had the words left my mouth that I felt lighter and I started to jog. 

I don't know how long I'd run or how far I'd gone. The rain was still pouring all around me and branches ripped at my suit tearing it from my body and slapping my exposed skin, but I didn't stop. Finally I didn't hear the suit anymore and the rain had begun to slacken. I was still moving though refusing to stop, not now. 

Though the rain had stopped a few flashes of stray lightening still lit the sky. As I came around a particularly large throng of trees I saw a large shadow in the night. I squinted my eyes unsure of what it was I was looking at. Then another flash filled the sky and I knew. It was a shack. 'Oh God.' I thought relief rushing over me in waves. Somewhere to stop. Taking a shaking step forward I made my way to the door. I hadn't noticed until now that my legs where shaking and my breathing was erratic. 

As soon as I stepped onto the porch and pushed the door open my legs gave out and with a small cry of exhaustion I fell onto the floor. The supplies that had been carefully packed in my blanket flew from the pack and scattered across the floor. I was unable to move. My shoulders were aching with pain I didn't believe imaginable and my legs were throbbing. The cut on my thigh was pulsating. My whole body was worn out. I couldn't move. I let my face fall onto the rough wooden floor and closed my eyes for a moment. I remembered Heero then. He was probably still bleeding. He was hurt, and I had to help him. 

Tears of hurt and exertion poured down my cheeks as I pushed myself to my hands and knees. I hurt so much. Looking around in the dark I saw the black case lying not to far from me. Reaching out I grabbed hold of the handle and pulled it to me. I pushed the door shut with my foot and moved to where Heero lay on his back his arms spread to either side of him. The lightening was still flashing and I somehow made out the wound on his head. It was the only one I could see though. I knew there were others, but that was all I managed to see. Prying the case open I took out some bandages and medicine and cleaned and dressed his head wound. When I was finally finished a saw an unfamiliar light filtering in through the cracks of the cabin. 

"Sunlight." I said absently. "It's morning." My arms sagged as I thought of the night I had just experienced. My face fell and I found myself unconsciously sinking toward the floor. Shivering from the cold and exhaustion I let my eyes close. One arm was flung out resting on Heero's chest. I could feel him breathing as my hand rose with each breath. I felt good knowing I kept him from being caught. That was the last thought before I fell asleep or passed out, to consumed by exhaustion to know which.

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So what do you guys think???????


	2. Oz?

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing ****

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing

_I know this is really short. I had no idea so many people would like this series. I know this part isn't very good, but it gets better trust me.

Memory Lapse

Chapter 2 'Oz?"

I was being chased. My head turned violently as I tried to outrun my assailants. I needed a way to turn somewhere to go. I reached my arm out to bush some branches out of my way and pain shot through my shoulder and I let a cry escape my lips. I knew they would catch me then. I heard their footsteps trampling through the foliage. This was it I was caught. I fell to my knees and waited when I felt a hand on my shoulder I screamed my voice echoing in the forest. 

My eyes flew open and I bolted up right my breath coming in ragged gulps. It took a moment for me to realize that I was safe and not being chased. Blinked a moment and took in my surroundings I hardly remembered the night before. My thoughts were scattered. I moved my hand up to brush my hair out of my eyes and let out a cry. The pain from the dream had been real. My shoulders were stiff and sore beyond belief. As I began the painful process of rising to my feet I realized my legs weren't in any better shape. The stiffness was unbelievable, especially in my right one. I stopped trying to stand for the moment and fell back down. I turned to my right leg that I'd ripped open the night before. There was a wide jagged cut about 3 inches long. It was split and the surrounding flesh purpled with bruising and red with the onset of infection. 

I cursed under my breath and turned back to my side. Heero was still lying there unconscious. I wanted to cry. Taking a shuddering breath I crawled to where he lay trying to keep my arms and legs from moving as much as possible. As I kneeled by his side I looked at the bandage on his head. A spot of blood still showed on the stop of the bandage, but it had stopped bleeding. As I removed it I saw the massive bruise that covered most of his head. The reason he was unconscious. 

I changed the bandage and took stock of his other wounds. There was a pretty bad gash on his arm, one on his chest showing through the rip in his shirt and another bad one on his cheek. The rest weren't worth bandaging. I put medicine on them and left Heero to sleep. I didn't know what else to do. 

Next I turned to myself. Mostly my cuts were nothing to worry about except for the one on my leg. As I looked down at my clothes though I realized there wasn't much left. I remembered picking up a change of clothes and turned to my side and scanned the barely lit shack. I saw them lying in a heap not too far away. I reached my leg out and pulled them to where I sat. It was a long sleeved shirt and a pair of military cargo pants. For a moment I looked guiltily at Heero. His jeans only had a rip in the knee, but his shirt was in tatters. I decided that he needed the shirt more than I did, but I needed the pants. There basically wasn't anything left of mine. I pealed the fabric from my legs and took that opportunity to bandage my thigh. With that done I pulled on the pants wincing the whole way. When I had them pulled up and buttoned. I found they were way too big. I rolled up the pants leg and held the waist in place. Next I pulled off my suit jacket leaving only the sleeveless blouse underneath. I tied the jacket around my waist as a belt and crawled back to where Heero lay. 

I needed to get him out of this damp shirt and into the dry one. We would have to move soon. There was no way Oz would give up so easily and I had no idea how far away we were. I looked him over a moment and tried to decided how to pick him up and move pull the shirt of her his head. Finally I wrapped him arms around his waist and giving a grunt of pain I lifted him up and managed to wrench the shirt off his body. Putting the other one on was more of a problem. I let him lay back down and picked the shirt up. I pulled it over his head and slowly stuffed his arms into the sleeves. It was till bunched up around the top of his torso so I picked him up again and started to pull it down farther. 

My face was so close to his my lips were practically touching his nose. I didn't notice though I was too busy trying to tug the material down his body. I had almost done the job when I heard a faint voice. 

"What…are you…" It trailed off and I was shocked to turn and see bright cobalt eyes looking at me and I dropped him. 

* * * * * * **Heero**

She let me fall. I hit the ground with a painful thud and was surprised when my vision didn't swim into blackness again. She was apologizing at a million miles a minute and I couldn't make out her words. I just looked at her. It was the same girl from the night before the one with the dripping blond hair. 

"Are you all right?" She asked her face twisted in concern. "Did you get hurt at all?" 

I shook my head slowly still unable to find my voice. Nothing seemed to be working yet. "Who are you?" I asked finally tired of mulling over my thoughts. Then it hit me. Who was I for that matter? I plunged into my mind searching for something. Something that was even a semblance of who I was. There was nothing. I didn't even know why she had to save me. 

"Y..you don't know?" She asked tentatively and back away from me a little. "Heero?" 

I paused letting the name play over in my mind. 'Heero?' I suppose it sounded a little familiar, but I just couldn't remember. "Is that my name?" I asked shortly. "Heero?" She nodded, but didn't say any thing. "What happened?" I asked her.

She shook her head, as she looked at me her mouth moving but no words coming out. "You don't remember?" She said again. 

"I guess not." I said slowly. I closed my eyes and tried to picture something. All I could see though was her face as I slipped into unconsciousness and all I remembered was 'Beautiful.' "Who are you?" 

She looked a bit hurt by the question and I was sorry I didn't remember. The last thing I wanted was to cause her pain. 

"Relena." She said slowly. "You saved me." 

I snorted at that. "I think, you saved me." I told her truthfully. 

She swallowed and nodded. "I guess." She turned her gaze from me and looked at the floor. 

"Where are we at?" I asked trying to bring her back to my attention. 

"I don't know." She said her voice shaking a bit. "I don't know where they took me. You…y…" She trailed off and bent over further her hands supporting her weight. 

"I knew." I said slowly. "I knew didn't I. I was the one who knew." 

She nodded at me. "You saved me Heero." 

I didn't remember any of this, but I had a feeling that my lack of knowledge was going to hurt us. "Why are we hiding?" I asked finally. "Why are we in the woods…somewhere." 

"Oz." Relena said slowly. "They're cashing us." 

"Oz?" I asked and raised a brow. "Who are they?"

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I know that was so short. I just wanted to get out another chapter for you guys. The next one will be longer. Tell me what you think! 


	3. What kind of man holds a gun to a child

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing ****

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing

_Sorry it took so long

Memory Lapse

Chapter 3 'What kind of person holds a gun to a child…'

* * * **Relena**

I could hardly register the statement. He didn't know Oz, he didn't know anything, he, they where doomed. "You don't remember anything, the war, Gundams…anything." It was more to myself than him. I was so lost and confused at the moment I didn't know what to say what to think. How could I ever get us out of this situation? I didn't know anything about survival. I had only shot a gun a couple of times and my aim wasn't that good. I didn't know anything about hiding. Without Heero I figured we where doomed. 

"Gundams?" He asked again and I heard the confusion in his voice. "You want to explain some of this to me, because I'm lost." He laughed for a moment. 

My head shot up as I heard his soft easy laugher. I had never heard him laugh before. In fact I couldn't recall a time in which he cracked a smile. It was weird, and once again I didn't know how to react. I guess I was looking at him strangely because his hand dropped from his head and his face fell. 

"Did I do something wrong? I'm sorry if I did." 

An apology, my mind was reeling. This wasn't Heero this wasn't right. Before I even realized what I was doing I had pulled my stiff and aching body to my feet and to the door. I needed to think, I needed someone to talk to, but there was no one. We where alone. If I went anywhere I might not find my way back. I reached out and placed my hand on the crumbling doorframe and sighed heavily. My head hung over and tears I didn't even know I had been suppressing ran down my cheeks. I didn't know what to do. 

* * * * * * * ** **Heero**

Something I had done had hurt her feelings. Perhaps it was even the way I acted, I didn't understand it. What had I done that been so wrong? I just laughed and asked her to explain. Was her past, our past so horrible? What was my connection with her? I wanted to know it all so badly, but how could I ask when every movement I made seemed to shock her to no end and at this moment bring her to tears. 

I wanted to talk to her to tell her I was sorry, to stop crying and the only way I was going to do that would be to get to my feet. That was going to be tricky everything felt like jelly and my head was pounding. Putting my palms firmly on either side of myself I lifted. I found I was surprisingly strong despite my fatigue and soreness. I lifted myself to my feet without too much effort. I was afraid to walk though it didn't seem like my feet would support me. As I took my first step I felt my knee buckle and I fell for the ground. There was nothing to stop me from hitting it then I saw her she turned just as I fell. She was running toward me. Then I felt her arms wrap around me stopping my fall. 

It hit me like a bolt of lightening.

_I was somewhere else. I was me, but I was Heero? I was holding a gun outstretched in my right hand. My lips were moving I was saying something, but I didn't even know what I was speaking. Then I saw whom I had the gun aimed at. It was a little red haired girl her eyes her barely open. She was already injured. Why was I aiming a gun at a child? I wanted to stop myself, but I couldn't and I pulled the trigger. There was no boom only the click of an empty chamber. _

"I don't have to kill anyone ever again." I heard the words. And I began to fall. I barely saw Relena kneeled at the girl's side. She jumped to her feet calling my name. I couldn't stop the fall. Her hands wrapped around me and we both went crashing to the ground. I was barely conscious but I felt her hand stroking my head her sweet words…

My eyes flew open and I scrambled from her tight hold. I was confused. What did that mean? What had I just witnessed? What kind of person holds a gun to a child and why did she try and catch me? What did it mean? She was looking at me her eye wide. 

"Heero, are you all right? Heero?" 

I couldn't answer. Something was swirling around in my brain; it was just out of my reach. I wanted to know what it was. I wanted to catch it. I wanted. Then I heard it. It was loud it sounded like a plane, no it was something else. Then I heard her speak again her voice on the verge of panic. 

"A mobile suit!" 

* * * * * * * * * Relena

"Oh my God!" I yelled as I scrambled for our fallen supplies and tried desperately to get as much as I could. There was no time to get it all, but I had to try. I knew that neither on of us where up for traveling, but we had no choice. If we didn't go we would be caught and I'd already promised myself I wouldn't go back. 

"What's going on." He asked from over my shoulder. His eyes wide as he looked at me from his position on the floor. He was confused. 

I felt sorry for him, but I couldn't explain there wasn't enough time. We had to move. My body was screaming with each quick move I made, but I didn't have time to think about the pain. "We have to run. They've found us!" I called at him and picked up my makeshift bag and slung it over my shoulder. "We have to go!" 

"Where?" He asked. 

I shook my head. I didn't know, but we had to do something. My leg was throbbed as I bent down and put my hand under Heero's arm and around his back. "Lean on me and we'll get out of here a quick as possible." He nodded at me and I pulled him to his feet. It hurt so badly. My arms hadn't recovered and my muscles tore with the exertion. 'Please.' I pleaded, but this time there was no instant strength. I could barely move. 

We took our first shuffling step forward and I heard the suit approaching over the trees. It wouldn't be long. We had to run. I looked to my side and tired to catch his eye. He looked panicked and almost like he was tried to remember something. "We have to run." I told him. He nodded at me and together we plunged into the forest leaving the shack behind. 

We no longer had the darkness or the rain to hide us. If we didn't hurry we would be caught. I swallowed my fear and tried to thick of something. If Heero where here it would be different. I wouldn't have to do this. Determinedly I pushed the negative thoughts from my mind and tried to run without tripping on roots and sticks. It was hard. My leg was already refusing to move. It was numb from the thigh down. 

Leaves and twigs broke across my face and we continued to run. The sound was getting closer and I knew we would never out run it. Spotting a particularly large patch of bushes I pulled Heero's failing body toward it and dragged him under the leaves. We sat there our breath coming in large painful gasps. We weren't in the shape to run. I could feel the blood pouring from my leg. I'd ripped it open again. I heard the suit coming closer and I grabbed hold of Heero pulling him close to me and down further into the foliage. Until they sent out foot soldier we'd be all right, but I knew it wouldn't be for long. When I finally heard the suit fading I let go of him. 

He lifted up slowly his breath still coming in heavy gulps. His eyes were intense and wild with fear. I had never seen him scared before and it caused a pit of cold to form in my stomach. Heero Yuy didn't get scared. "Are you all right?" I asked finally breaking the silence. 

"Yeah." He replied he fell into silence again and looked skyward. "I remember something." 

I was started when he spoke again and even more when he said he remembered. I wanted to scream for joy. "What I asked." Maybe he knew where we were, how we could get out of here. 

" I saw a suit." He paused and closed his eyes. "Wing…Zero? I think that was what it was. It was a mobile suit. My mobile suit?" He said the end almost like it was a question. 

My spirits fell for a moment. It wasn't anything that would help us, but it was something. At least something was coming back. For some reason I felt he was holding something back. "Is that it?" I asked slowly. He looked at me for a moment as if contemplating something. Then his face hardened. I knew that face. He was holding something back.

"No." He said. "Nothing."

I let it drop momentarily and looked outside the bush. "We'd better go." I said. "We don't have much time and there is not telling when they'll come back." I wrapped my arm around and again we stood this time supporting each other. 

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Gee I'm glad you guys like this! Sorry it took so long, but here is chapter three. Tell me what you think! The next one should be longer. 


	4. Hopeless

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing ****

_I know this took a really long time to get out and its not that long, but I am suffering from major writer's block. Ugh I've never had it this bad before. So be patient with me. I hope you like this one I worked hard on it trying to make it okay

Memory Lapse

Chapter 4 'Hopeless'

The dilapidated wooden cabin came into view as the soldiers pushed noiselessly through the foliage and into the small clearing. The roof was mostly caved in and the door hung by hardly anything at all. It appeared to be empty. Captain Martin took a step forward pushing past his men to stand on the porch of the small abandoned shack. Keeping his guard up he looked in the doorway and scanned the inside. Vaguely he made out a few scattered articles lying on the ground. He stepped in and kicked a stray blanket and ration on food across the room. It skidded on the ground and came to a stop against the back wall with a loud thump. He hardly noticed his men had filtered into the room with him until he heard one of his lieutenants call him. 

"Sir look at this." He called from his crouched position on the floor. There was a large blood stained that had seeped into the wood and down into the grains and fine lines. It was bright and still somewhat fresh. 

Martin kneeled beside the man and touched the spot his fingers running over the weathered wood. It was still a little wet. The two of them weren't far away and one if not both of them were injured. Martin pulled himself to his feet silently and looked off into the distance. No one escaped him, no one. Not even the great Heero Yuy would keep him from Relena Peacecraft. "They're not far away. Fan out and search everywhere they couldn't have gotten far." Martin balled his hand into a fist and stalked out of the cabin to begin a search of his own. The original Oz may be gone, but he still wanted his revenge and everything started with the vice foreign minister. 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * **Relena**

We were both close to collapse. I could feel him failing beside me, but somehow he kept going and sometimes he lifted my failing body up and kept me from the falling. I didn't know where his strength came from. For him I kept moving. Even when he wasn't himself I feed off of him. Maybe it was selfish to live off his strength, but I couldn't seem to do it myself. We hadn't talked in a long time and his voice, so low and sincere made me jump at first. He'd asked me a question, but I'd been so lost in my thoughts I'd missed it. "What?" I asked slowly swallowing heavily as I spoke. It was hard to do the two a once. 

"I want to know about you. I want to know who you are." He repeated his breath tickling my ear and making me shiver. 

I didn't know what to tell him. How could I explain myself? I hardly knew who I was. I didn't know how to explain that to him. "I'm the Vice foreign minister." I began trying to distance myself from bringing up my painful past. 

"Is that why they're after you?" He asked. 

"Yeah." I replied. 

"Who am I?" He asked after a few moments of silence. 

I didn't know who he was. Heero had never told me anything about himself. I knew very little. I didn't know where he came from, or even if Heero Yuy was his real name. I didn't know what had brought him into this war in the first place. All I knew was that he had crashed on a beach and tried to kill himself, that every time I looked in his eyes I drowned. I knew that he was dedicated to his mission. He never smiled, never laughed and I was completely head over heels in love with him. 

"Well?" He asked again seemingly becoming impatient with my absence of speech. 

"I don't know much about you." I finally said. "You're a solider. You've been fighting for a long time." Those few sentences didn't do his life justice, but I wasn't willing to unveil the deepest feelings in my heart at the moment. 

"There has to be more." He complained. "I know there is. I know you from some where." He trailed off, as his voice became more distant as if he were thinking of something. 

I didn't say anything else as his words trailed off. I didn't know what to make of the statement. Did he remember me from somewhere and if he did why didn't he tell me? I was about to bring it up when the sound of a snapping branch pulled me out of my thoughts. "Did you hear that?" I whispered and unconsciously pulled myself closer to him as if seeking refuge. 

"Yeah." He replied. "Oz?" He asked slowly and looked down at me his blue eyes intense. 

"Maybe." I replied. "Faster." I pulled him closer to me and together me continued the trek, but faster this time. Our energy wearing thinner and thinner with each step I knew we wouldn't last long. 

Then it happened I hadn't expected it to be me. I didn't think I would fall but I did. My leg gave out and with a stifled cry I fell to the ground. It refused to work anymore. It screamed in pain and I tried desperately to get back to my feet. It wouldn't let me though. I was immobile and I had let Heero down. I wanted to help. I wanted to bring his memory back. I wanted all of this to be over. Tears of frustration made their way down my cheeks as I tried to pull myself to my feet again, but my muscles had finally given out. I said the first thing that came to my hysterical mind. "Get out of here Heero. I can't go on and I won't let them get you. They're after me anyway. If they get me they'll leave you alone." 

* * * * * * * * * * * ***Heero**

I stood stoically looking at her broken form as she sobbed on the ground her legs and arms refusing to obey her commands. Her complete lack of concern for herself made an unfamiliar sensation swell in my stomach and I grabbed her arm and pulled her to her feet. It didn't take as much effort as I thought it would. She came up easily, but her muscles still refused to listen and she collapsed against my chest. As soon as she was on her feet her tears stopped and she looked at me her sea green eyes looking straight into my soul. I knew there was something I felt for this girl something I was suppressing, did I love her. Is that why I was coming to rescue her?

"I'm not leaving you." I said firmly. Something about the way the words left my mouth, the tone felt right. It was as if I had said something like that before. 

"I can't walk." She mumbled. 

She wasn't whining, wasn't trying to make me carry her she was pleading telling me that she wasn't going to be able to make it. She meant every word that came out of her mouth. She was trying to save me, but why? Would I know if I knew who I was? What was her attachment to me? Why did she know so little about me, but still be willing to give her life for mine? What had the image of the girl and the Gundam mean? The thoughts swirled around in my head and I was unable to piece them together. It was so scrambled I wanted to scream. 

"Please Heero, just go." She told me again and I looked down at her again. 

"I can't leave you." I said defiantly. The words felt wrong, like I shouldn't say them, but it was what I felt deep inside. "You saved me and I can't leave you behind. We'll hide." I rationalized as I gathered her closer to me. "I don't think I can last much longer anyway." That was the truth my limbs were killing me and my head was pounding. She may have collapsed first, but I wouldn't have been far behind. 

"Where?" She asked. "Don't where we can hide." 

I didn't know either, but I felt an incredible urge to protect her well inside me. It was like I had promised her I wouldn't let anyone hurt her. Was it because I loved her before? And if that was what I was feeling did she know? Again the thoughts invaded my mind and I was unable to make sense of them. "We're in this together." I said slowly remembering her shadowed face as she leaned over me and begged me to stay awake. I remembered how I thought she was so beautiful an angle, a savior, something so… 

"We have to hurry Heero I think I heard someone coming. I'm letting them get you if I can help it. If you can't find a place to hide I want you to run." Her eyes were still brimming with tears as she pleaded with me. 

I didn't have anything to do but agree with her. "Fine." I said finally. I didn't want to though; something was keeping me from telling her I wasn't going to leave her. I didn't know what it was. It was stopping me from saying what I wanted to. I looked around the forest and I didn't see anything that would help us. I knew I would have to travel a ways to look I would have to let her out of my sight. Something about that didn't seem right either, but I didn't have a choice. "Relena I'm going to go find somewhere to hide. I'll be back in a minute, I promise." I bent down and let her settle herself on the ground. "We'll be okay." I assured. "I'll be right back." As I got to my feet I didn't want to let her out of my sight, but I knew this was the only way. Giving her one last fleeting glance I took off into the woods ignoring the way my body responded sluggishly to my demands. 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * ** **Relena**

I watched him go and hoped that he wouldn't suffer because of me. I felt so stupid and completely weak. I had wanted to be strong for him, to save us both, but again I had ended up being too weak. I remembered the way he had pulled me roughly to my feet. The way his hand had held a bruising yet sincere hold on my skin. It was all too familiar. It was Heero. Perhaps he was coming back and he'd remember who he was and where we were. 

Another part of his behavior had been different though. It was the soothing words he'd spoken to me before he ran off, the way he'd looked back at me with concern in his usually expressionless eyes. He had looked at me like I'd always wanted him to, but what did that mean. Was it the real Heero coming through, or just something else entirely. When he remembered who he was would he still look at me like that? 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * **Heero**

I didn't know how long I had been running. I just knew that I couldn't stop until I found what I was looking for. Just when I was beginning to think it was hopeless I saw what I was looking for. It was almost in total shock as I viewed it. Where had it come from? It was huge and in a way fit some sort of 'memory' I had. Turning around I headed back to where I'd left her. It was harder to move now. My legs seemed less eager to listen to my brain. My vision was swimming. My feet finally slipped out from under me and I took a tumbling fall onto the ground. A lay sprawled out my breathing labored for a few minutes when I heard her scream. It was loud at first until it was muffled and silenced. Rolling over to rest on my hands and knees I knew I had to do something, but how could I. I didn't even know what I was up against I didn't even know how to fight. 

She had saved me. I saw her face. She saved me before this, and for some reason I felt that she had saved me a thousand times over, the way she'd caught me, the way she'd bandaged my wounds. I wanted to know what it meant. I wanted to know everything that was being blocked from me, but no matter how much I willed it to return it wouldn't. Perhaps it was because deep down I didn't want to know. I remembered the little girl and the gun. Why? Just as I was pulling myself to my feet I saw a flash that brought me back down to the ground. 

__

"Hello, are you lost?" A little girl with light brown hair and a large floppy summer hat peered over my resting body a smile on her small delicate features. 

"I've been lost my whole life." I told her sitting up and silently looked into the distance. 

She giggled. "That's too bad, do you want to go on a walk with me and Mary." She pointed to the small dog hopping around her ankles. "Here." She handed me a flower. 

I took it and looked at it closely. It was a small delicate flower with soft yellow petals. It was pretty. I turned to the girl and wondered why she was being so nice to me. It didn't really make since. "No." I told her. "I don't"

"Okay." She replied cheerily and hopped off to play with her dog. I watched them until the disappeared over the hill of the little park. 

I could hardly catch my breath as the vision ended. I was about to pull my shaking body to its feet again when it hit me again. 

__

I stood beside a building a detonation device clutched between my fingers. I had set the bomb. The one that would blow up this building and complete my mission. Watching it with almost a gleeful anticipation I pushed the small red button and watched as the first of the explosions started to bring the building to the ground. "Mission accomplished." I mumbled happily and turned to leave.

Just as I was breasting the hill that would lead me back to my 'home'. I heard something fall. I turned just in time to see a mobile suit upset by the explosions fall over the fence and onto a residential building. "No!" I screamed. Those people were innocent. They hadn't done anything. This was part of my mission. I was helpless to stop it though and the suit crashed onto the building and brought it to the ground a series of explosions bringing down the rest. What had a done?

I watched until every last building had fallen. I watched the fires slowly burn out. I watched the few survivors scramble for cover. I could hardly breath as I watched. A deep guilt built in the pit of my stomach coursed through my body. It was my fault, my fault all these people had died. Swallowing hard I steeped into the remaining rubble. I could feel the heat of the small fires burning on of my sides as I tried to scale the destroyed pieces of concrete. I didn't know what I was looking for until I caught sight of a tuff of golden hair. Lifting a particularly large piece of rubble, I pulled the something out into the open. It was a dog; it was the little girl's dog I swallowed hard feeling it build inside me again. I'd killed the little girl. I killed her. 

This time when I woke my entire body was covered in a cold clammy sweat and I was shaking with the overload of painful memories. I didn't understand them. I didn't know what kind of person I was. My body was even more unwilling to listen to me know and I could hardly come to sit on my knees. I closed my eyes and tired to calm my breathing, tried to remember what it was I had been doing in the first place. Then I remembered Relena. I heard the scream again, it echoed in my brain. They had her, and I had to find some way to get her back. 

****

Okay constructive criticism is appreciated. Tell me what you guys think and thanks for reading. Oh and I hope I got that part with Heero and the girl mostly right. My sister tapped over my endless waltz copy. *Screams* So I hope I got mostly the words he said right. 


	5. Contact

_Thanks for the reviews guys we seem to be on the same line of thinking cuz all those questions will be answered ****

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing

_Thanks for the reviews guys we seem to be on the same line of thinking cuz all those questions will be answered. Not all of them in this chapter but they will be answered All right here it is. READ ME…Okay I did us the Endless waltz story line, but there are still Gundams. They didn't explode them at the end of the second war.

Memory Lapse

Chapter 5 'Contact'

**********Relena**

They had me. I couldn't run I couldn't hide at the time and now I was back where I had started. They had me again and there was no way to get away, there was no one to rescue me this time, I was on my own. I had to convince them that I was alone, that Heero had left me. I didn't know if they'd buy it, probably not, but I had to try. The soldiers surrounded me again, this time I didn't scream, or through my weak arms around in an attempt to keep them away. I knew that is was hopeless. The first one to me grabbed my upper arm in a vice like grip and hauled my weakened body to its feet. I couldn't stand and was disgusted with the fact that I had to lean on him for support. 

"Where is he at Ms. Dorlain, I know that he is in here somewhere." I knew that voice. I knew who that was, but my heart screamed at me it wasn't, that it couldn't be. He stepped from the throng of men and into the open a face fitting the voice. It was him, the guard from the prison. Involuntarily I began to shake. I didn't think I would ever see him again. 

"Wh…who?" I asked weakly hoping he would buy it. Even as I stood there nothing on my face betraying my inner thoughts I knew he would see through me. 

"I know who was with you, Heero Yuy doesn't give up. He'll be out here sooner or later, that is unless you tell me where he is at." He took another step closer until his breath was on my face stinging the fresh scratches. I turned away unable to look at him. I remembered his breath on me before. I remembered the way he looked at me before he struck me. I remembered the threats. 

"I don't know what you're talking about." I managed as I turned my head away. I knew that he knew I was lying I could tell by the look on his face, but he backed away shaking his head as he did. I would have sighed with relief, but he suddenly spun back around slapping my hard with the back of his hand. His face was mere inches from mine, his voice harsh and his eyes wildly searching mine. 

"I'm not stupid. I know he's out there somewhere, probably hurt, maybe setting up a get away, but I know he didn't leave, I know he's here, and if you lie to me one more time…" He trailed off and sneered. "You remember what I did before, you remember don't you." His hand reached out again and cupped my face pulling it together. "Don't lie to me." 

He finally released me and I felt all the remaining strength leave my body. I was going back, and Heero… Pushing myself away from the soldier whom held me I stood unsteadily on my feet and looked out into the woods. I knew he was out there and I just wanted him to run, or perhaps remember who he was. 

"Get her back to the prison!" The man who had slapped me only moments before yelled, " I'm going after Yuy." He paused and pointed at a couple of his men. "Come with me." 

"Run." I whispered so low I could barely hear it, "Run!" This time it was louder a scream. "Run, Heero they're coming after you run!" I screamed as loud as I could manage and pushed the unsuspecting solider holding me away and tried to take a step forward, but my legs failed me and I hit the ground hard. "Run!" I yelled again. My throat was raw and my body hurt. I felt the man's arms coming around me again and pulling me up, but I didn't struggle. "Run." I said again and felt a something hitting me in the back of the head. The pain exploded in my scull and I fell into blackness. 

************Heero**

I knew I had to get someone to help me and somehow what I'd found would have to do that. I could still see the images running through my brain, but I couldn't think about those right now. I had to think about Relena. I had to save her. I didn't know why I eat at me, but thought of her hurt gnawed at my stomach and made me almost sick. Pulling myself to my feet, I ran back the way I'd come to the contraption that had to save us. I didn't know what to do with it, but I knew what it was. A whisper of a memory calling faintly in the back of my mind, a mobile suit, a Gundam. 

My body was numb, but I pushed the feeling back and focused on what I had to do. As I came upon the contraption I felt all the air rush from my lungs. It was huge, even when it was lying flat on the ground, covered by various bushes and camouflage tarps. "Wing Zero." I let the words escape my mouth feeling so familiar on my lips. I knew this machine yet I didn't. Ignoring the way my muscles shook and trembled with effort I stumbled for the suit. 

As I walked scenes past threw my mind not flashes like the others but phrases and words, faces. All things I didn't know and didn't understand. It was like they were from a past life. The God of Death, white fang, Oz, bodies the dead lying all around me while I stood over them, the only survivor, murder, a blond helping me to my feet a suit over me, explosions, me a gun pointed a thin boy wearing a priest collar. They were moving faster now, running with a speed unimaginable. I couldn't stop them, I screamed. Only then when I fell to my knees my head clutched between my arms did they stop. I stayed that way for a moment afraid they would come again. I don't know how long I lay there until I was able to move again. My muscles were tight will fatigue and refused to move very far. As I uncurled myself I again began to trek to the Gundam. This time I made it.

My arms shook as I removed the tarp covering the Gundam and moved almost instinctively for the cockpit. It was amazing as I watched my hands move with a mind of their own opening the door and lowering myself into the seat. I watched as the door shut and had the sudden urge to run away, I felt as if someone was shutting me in a coffin. It didn't move though and as the door shut I was plunged into utter darkness. I almost panicked before a few lights flipped on overhead. I didn't know what to do, but maybe somehow this had a communication device and I could contact someone, someone that would help me. I reached out for the elaborate control panel and put my hand on one of the levers. Then I had the flash. It was vivid so clear, I felt like I was there and I couldn't move.

__

I looked out the window as the students ran for the dance being held in the courtyard that night. A school dance, something I had never been to before. I heard their exited screams and for a moment I wondered what I would be like to be down there with them. I shook my head as soon as the thought came to mind. "It doesn't concern me." I tell myself and reach out and shut the window blocking out the joyous cries. 

I turn back to my computer and reread the data, remembering where I was. "Records on Heero Yuy as St. Gabrielle's institute erased." I silently went through the rest of the files deleting everything I could find on myself. I would be like a memory; no one quite could piece together, remembered and dismissed in the same breath. Just as I was rising to pack my things I heard my door creak open. It was almost silent, but the noise didn't escape my keen hearing. Someone had found me out and they were coming to kill me. I grabbed hold of my gun feeling comforted as the cold steel warmed in my palm I wiped around my cold hard mask on whoever it was was going to die. 

"Going on a other mission Heero?" 

I froze my glare faltering. "Relena?" I whispered in question, but didn't lower my gun. What was she doing here? Why did she follow me, why wasn't she afraid? She took a step toward me and I clicked the safety off. She didn't come any closer for the moment. 

"I know your secret." She whispered slowly. "I know you have to fight." She took another step forward and gun was pressed into her chest, but she didn't flinch. "At least come down and enjoy the party before you go." She grabbed either side of her skirt and bowed in front of me. 

Before I could even realize what had happened she was gone. I hadn't been able to shoot her. Why? It killed me to think about it. I had to kill her she knew too much about me. I had to…but I had failed a second. I hadn't been able to pull the trigger. The thing that nagged at me more than that was why I wanted to go to the part? I had never had interest in things like that before, it wasn't part of my mission, it wasn't…My mind was going crazy. For the first time in my life I felt two different sides of myself fighting, was I going crazy? Why would one tell me to go and the other to stay? Which should I listen to? Finally rationalizing one voice I thought. If I go I can kill her. I can pull her away from the crowd and be done with her. It seemed to work and the other voice stopped. I was still completing my mission I wasn't stopping anything. 

As I descended the steps leading to the courtyard I immediately felt my nerves rise and moved to the defensive. I didn't know what I was doing, or why I was even here. I was about to run, to leave and jump in my Gundam where everything felt right and fly away when I felt a familiar grip on my arm and a soft voice reached my ears. I was confused. My urge to leave suddenly left. It was Relena she had me by the arm. She was smiling. 

"I'm glad you came Heero. Would you like to dance?" She didn't wait for an answer but dragged me onto the floor with her. 

I didn't know how I knew to dance, but I followed her easily. I was still tense no where near relaxed, but I was content enough to keep myself from bolting. I could still feel the gun in my pants resting against my side. It comforted me. If I had to I would kill her. I would complete my mission. The strangest thing was the way I liked touching her. The way I liked to feel her hand in mine. How I wanted to pull her closer, but refused to let myself do it. Her smell was killing me, not because it was foul, but somehow pleasant. It wasn't perfume it was just her. It was the way she smelled. I was lost and almost forgot why was here when he voice tore me from my thoughts. I jerked to face her as she spoke.

"Are you still going to kill me?" She asked her voice barely above a whisper. 

"Yeah." I responded immediately. There was no hesitation, even thought something about her was keeping me from doing it. I couldn't kill her. I didn't know why I didn't want to. 

"That's okay because I'm on your side now." She opened her eyes and I could see a world of hurt in them. I couldn't ever remember someone's eyes enticing me so. I had never cared before, but somehow I didn't like they way they brimmed with tears yet to be shed. They way they were so determined and strong at the same time. 

"One my side?" I responded dumbly. 

"I know why it is you fight now. I don't want to die without answers and I'll…" Her words were cut off as a loud explosion shook the ground. I turned and saw a mobile suit above my head. They'd found me they were after me. I ran leaving her standing there my mind focused again I had a mission. 

My head was pounding when the image, the movie ended and I was transported back to reality. I had held a gun to her, but how long ago had that been. Was that from this war? Even as the question entered my mind I dismissed it. Relena had looked so much younger, even I had. I swallowed as my hand moved away from the lever. Why had I wanted to kill her? How many times had I pointed a gun to her, and why had a done it? I wanted to know what had driven me. 'It was your mission.' The thought came to me almost like logic. 'My mission.' All because of a mission I would shoot I would kill a girl… My thoughts trailed off as I thought of her. Even within my damaged and half memory I knew I felt something for her. I didn't know if she knew that I had to that I must love her. It was plan. It was right in front of me, but I knew for certain that she had no idea. Why wouldn't I tell her? Would I even have a chance to know that she was captured? I blinked and tried to figure out a way to work any of the stuff in the suit, but I didn't know what to do. One thing caught my eye though a button blinking right above what appeared to be a video screen. Without even thinking a pushed it. There was a moment of silence before the screen below it flickered and a person I had never seen before appeared on it. 

"Heero? Buddy is that you? God we've been trying to call you for two days! Where have you been." The man appeared to be young no more than twenty. He had a long braid that was flipped over his shoulder and large violet eyes. I didn't know what to say, but it didn't seem to bother the man. "When you took off after Relena we had no idea where you had gone to. We hoped you'd contact us and tell us how things were going, or even come back it's been hectic here…" 

"Here?" I asked. 

"Yeah, in the Cinq Kingdom." Duo said slowly and cocked a brow. "You okay buddy?" 

"Who are you?" I asked desperate to know why his face appeared so familiar, but refused to before apparent in my mind.

"Are you all right?" He asked again. "What's going on?" 

That was all the prompting I needed. I told him everything. I told him they had Relena and I had no idea how to save her. I told him Oz was after us. I told him I couldn't remember who I was. I told him that I was in a mobile suit and I had no idea how to use it. He seemed to take all the new very well his mouth open a bit and his eyes wider than before, but he didn't say anything. "I don't know what to do." I told him. 

"Hey…um hold on…yeah." He rose from in front of the screen and disappeared for a second. I couldn't see him anymore but unfortunately I could hear his voice. "Guys! It's Heero he's lost his memory. He doesn't know where he is and Oz has Relena." His voice was panicked but when he returned he was all smiles. "Just hold on a second their Heero." 

I kept silent and pretended I hadn't heard a thing. The next one to appear beside him was a small blond. I remembered him as well. I didn't know his name thought. "Who are you?" I asked. 

"Quatre." He said evenly apparently more calm than his friend. "You don't know anything Heero…do you know where you're at? What's going on?" 

I shook my head. Maybe know I would get some answers, who was Oz and why were they after Relena and who was I. I waited patiently for him to say something else. 

"Do remember anything?" He asked. 

"I remember this suit and that I…I have killed a lot of people." I swallowed hard with the last words. It was like admitting I was a monster. 

The man smiled sadly at me and I could tell he felt truly sorry for me. "We've all done things we regret." He explained. 

"I need to know what's going on." I pleaded with him as I thought Relena again and the scream that I had heard. "She's in trouble and I have to get her." 

"Lost his memory and still has it bad." I heard the other say from the other side of Quatre. Quatre pushed him with his elbow. I was confused. 

"Hold tight Heero we're going to get a trace on where you're at and we're going to come and help you, okay." 

I nodded. "How long will the trace take?" 

"Just a few minutes." Quatre confided and disappeared. The other was the only one left. 

"Who are you?" I asked. 

"Duo Maxwell." He said evenly. "I may run and I may hide, but I never lie." He smiled. 

I didn't smiled back. What he had said earlier still bothered me. "What do you mean 'still has it bad.'" Duo shifted under my gaze and tried to avoid looking at the screen. 

"Nothing." He said slowly. "I just you…" 

"I love her don't I. I love her and I don't remember." I was sure that was it that I ignored the way he was looking at me, as if I had just sprouted two extra arms. 

"Got it Heero." It was Quatre again. "You're only a couple of hours from here. We'll meet you right where you're at."

"That's too long." I said immediately. "I can't wait that long. She could be dead by then." 

"Just stay." Quatre demanded. "You can't do anything in the state your in. You can hardly move. How are you supposed to save her?" 

I wanted to say that I had promised that I was going to save her because I had to, but I said nothing. "Fine." I said instead. " I'll wait." Even as they nodded at me I knew I was gong to do everything but wait. If I didn't go she could die and it would be my fault. I couldn't bear the thought. Perhaps something of my old feelings for her where returning or perhaps these were new. I didn't know, but as the transmission ended. I knew I had to figure out how to work the Gundam if I was going to save her. I wasn't going to wait and maybe be too late. 

I looked at the panel again and one button caught my eye. It was red. Swallowing I reached for it and pressed it. A deep rumbling coursed through my body and I felt the suit lurch forward. 

****

So what do you think? Still good? Sorry if a little of the Party dialogue was wrong. I tried my best. 


	6. Mission Accepted

I didn't know what was happening as the rumbling stopped and I was left unchanged from how I had been moments before ****

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing

_I know it has been a long time, but part of the reason was the ffn delays. I'm sorry about the wait anyway and even if this is not everything I wanted this chapter to be the next will be better. 

Memory Lapse

Chapter 6 'Mission Accepted'

~~~~~~~~~ **Heero**

I didn't know what was happening as the rumbling stopped and I was left unchanged from how I had been moments before. What had I done? I slowly opened the eyes that I had shamelessly closed when I pressed the button. Nothing looked different. I swallowed and opened the cockpit again to look out. It was harder than I thought it should be for me to reach a position in which I could look out the doorway and to my right. When I finally could look out I saw the Gundam's arm extended and the large…I knew what that was. I stared at it the words on the tip of my tongue as I looked at it tried to remember what it was. 

"Buster Rifle." I said in a whispered rush as I looked at it. "I used it to blow up Libra…to…" It was gone. I was slightly relieved the memory had come quietly instead of the flashes that had left me almost unable to move before. This time I had seen my Gundam, yes it was my Gundam and I watched as I set it on the falling ship and pulled the trigger. Then it was over. 

As I settled back into the seat I realized I would never be able to remember enough about the Gundam to use it. I had to save Relena some other way and I had to do it without the help of the others. I paused as I thought of them. They were so familiar, but so distant at the same time. That didn't make any sense but I didn't know how else to describe it. I climbed out of the Gundam and hopped onto the ground. My legs shook when I landed, but I remained on my feet. I didn't have much time and I had to think of a plan, something that would get Relena back before it was too late. 

I gave the Gundam one last fleeting look before I stumbled back into the woods my mind working at a million miles a minute. My mind knew what this was. It was a mission and somehow that word meant everything to me. This was a mission and I wouldn't fail. "Mission accepted." I mumbled under my breath almost unsure of why I said it. 

``~~~~~~~~~ **Relena**

Something cold was running down my face and across my nose tickling it and making me twitch. I felt the moisture flow across my lips and I tentatively reached my tongue out to taste it. It was water, sweet life giving water. I licked my lips greedily as I tried to get more of it to sooth my burning and dry throat. I was so thirsty. I turned to where it was dripping and opened one eye. I could see the drop was it fell for my face, but I didn't know where it was coming from. I tired to open the other eye but it refused to obey. My vision was clearing though and all at once I say where the water was coming from. A man was hovering over me his mouth opened in an obscene smile as he squeezed a wet cloth over my face. 

"Thirsty Princess?" He asked mockingly and squeezed the rag a little more. 

The water splashed across my face the over my right eye. I winced when I felt the cold liquid hit it. Scrambling to a sitting position I reached I reached my hand up tracing the pattern of my skin until I reached my eye. I didn't have to see it to know it was bad. I was puffy and I could feel the heat radiating from it. When I pulled my hand away my fingers were stained with a deep rich crimson. 

"Are you ready to corporate?" He asked snidely and tossed the rag at me. 

I reached down to pull the damp rag off my stomach and moved it to my face. I squeezed it and let the water trickle across it and down my face. I shuddered as he watched me. I knew what they wanted to know. They wanted me to tell them where Heero was at and they wanted to know everything about the Preventers and their plans. I wouldn't tell them. As I watched the soldier in front of me I knew what they would do to me and I shuddered. I wouldn't break. I swallowed and pulled the rag from my face. Chunks of dried blood clung to the textured surface. Maybe I was stronger than I thought. 

"I know you heard me you bitch." 

I lifted my head up to just as his foot buried itself in my stomach. I felt all the air rush from my body as it exploded in pain. My fingers dropped the rag and I gripped the grass trying to catch my breath. It wasn't coming though and I could hear him laughing over my head. He found so much pleasure in hurting me. I was seeing only white for a while and then I caught one. I could breath. 

"Now you'd better answer me when I talk to you." He scolded in almost a fatherly tone of voice. 

I cringed at him and nodded my head the pain in my stomach fading to a faint ache every time I breathed. "What do you want with me you asshole." I asked openly and prepared myself for another hit, but known came. 

"You know what we want. And we know that you are the only one that can give us the answers." He kneeled in front of me his face only a few feet away from mine. My first thought was to spit in smug little face, but I suppressed it. 

"I don't know anything that will help you." I told him. 

"I don't be so modest Relena. You know far more than we do and all we want is the location of the Gundam Pilots and the Preventer's plans regarding us." 

I swallowed. "Are you supposed to be my interrogator because you suck at it." I didn't know where my courage was coming from, but perhaps I believed that he couldn't kill me at least not when he still needed me. 

"I'd watch it." He warned. "I know enough about you to get what I want. Despite your earlier observations I am very good at what I do." 

For the first time I took in my surroundings. I was still in the woods, but the strange thing was that we were alone. It was just me and this man. The guard from earlier was gone. Gone after Heero. I swallowed hard as I thought of him tears building in the back of my throat and begging to break free. I wanted him to be all right so badly. With his memory gone there was no way he would be able to out run them. 

"Princess it appears as if you are a little upset." 

The sincere edge to his voice made me want to throw up. 

"Do you want to tell me all about it." 

That was enough I couldn't resist it anymore and I gathered all the spit I could find and turned back to look at him. I smiled defiantly and before he could move I spit directly in his eye. His reaction was immediate though not what I had expected. He reached his and up and wiped it calmly from his face. 

"So you think that was funny." He asked rising to his feet and back away from me. "I just want to warn you. You can do anything you want to me, but all of it will be returned ten fold." He smiled and hovered over me. "And that pissed me off."

Maybe I had over stepped my bounds a little. I pressed myself against the tree just behind me and waited for the blow that was sure to come. This time I was right. I felt the stinging slap across my already injured eye and suppressed the scream that had risen in my still parched throat. The next blow knocked all the air from my body as he slapped in the ribs with his booted foot. I guessed it was a good thing because I couldn't scream and he didn't get the pleasure of hearing me cry out as his next blow flung me into the tree the back of my head smashing against the bark. 

My brain was swimming and spinning in confusion as I watched him. He was finished the tight anger line gone from his face and his eyes had returned from the fiery blaze they had just been consumed in. "Now I hope to have a better prisoner of you." 

I watched him my contempt growing with each passing second but I stayed still clutching my chest and trying to make the burning with each breath leave me. I told myself I was merely keeping myself alive that he hadn't broken me, but deep down part of me wanted him to ask me another question. That part wanted for me to give them everything I knew and I was working desperately to keep it in check. I hoped the words would never come.

"So are you ready to tell me what you know?" He asked again. 

My mind sank with the words. I didn't want him to hit me anymore. I didn't want to feel the pain, but the other part was still stronger and I ignored him letting my face fall to the leaf cover ground. I breathed in deeply feeling and way my chest burning with each agonizing breath and closed my eyes. My head was still swimming and I hoped he would believe that I had merely passed out. In the few seconds that followed I might have passed out instead of just fallen asleep because there was nothing to comfort me. No dreams just an empty blackness and I had no knowledge of the passing time. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~` **Heero**

I only had a few hours to pull this off. I had to find her and somehow I knew that she was still in the woods. Desperately I searched my mind for the location she would most likely be in. I needed to remember where we had come from. I needed to remember how to get back there. My plan wouldn't work if I didn't know which way to go. I walking idly now trying to remember something anything that would lead me to her. Maybe a trail, anything. 

I was walking almost silently my feet never hitting anything that made a noise my steps were quick but seemed perfectly planned. I was silent as I moved through the woods so silent that I heard them coming before they saw me. It was a faint cracking that alerted me. Without even thinking I jumped up my hands wrapping around a branch and I vaulted myself into a tree using a flip and landed on my toes hunched over like a tiger about to pounce it's prey. I didn't know where the instinct had come from but I was only thankful it had come because the squad of mean burst almost noiselessly through the brush in front of me and I had the advantage of seeing everything they did not want me to. 

"Argh!" The man in front grunted angrily and turned around the group of men he was commanding. "We need to spread out. Yuy is not going to escape us. Not this time!" 

"Captain Martin." One of his team spoke up tentatively. "Perhaps if we search for the Gundam, Sir." 

The Captain seemed enraged by the words. "Don't you think that's what I've been looking for you fool." The Captain snarled and turned toward two of his officers. "Each of you take three men. I'll keep Matthews and Evens with me." He pointed in opposite directions and sent everyone off including the one who had dared to question him. When all of them were gone he turned to his men. "I want you two head back for the base. I left Anderson alone with the Princess and I have a feeling that wasn't such a good idea." He paused. "Just make sure he hasn't killed her." 

"Sir, but what about Yuy, Sir?" The man asked his eyes darting from side to side. "It's not a smart thing to face him alone." 

"Don't worry about it." The Captain said steadily and waved them off. "Now go." Both of them disappeared quickly and Heero made a mental note of where they had gone and remembered to follow that path later, but first he had a feeling he needed to take care of this man first, but he had no clue how to do it. 

I watched him a moment longer as he paced the forest floor still keeping as quiet as possible. Then as if by magic his head jerked upward and landed squarely on me. His eyes bore into mine. I felt a shiver run down my spine with the stare and for a moment I almost backed further into the tree, but something told me that it was useless. What was he going to do? I didn't know how to fight. There was no way I could win. 

"I knew you were up there Yuy. Perhaps you are failing bit in your age. I saw you when you first vaulted up there. You didn't conceal yourself very well, but perhaps you wanted to be caught." The captain pulled his gun from his holster and aimed it at me. "Don't try to dodge. I guarantee you I don't miss." 

For a second I stared at most surely was my own death. I couldn't think of a way to escape and then I remembered Relena almost like a light at the end of the tunnel and I moved. I didn't think human beings could move that fast but before I knew it I was on the ground standing in front of him my arms flying upward and punching the man in the face. My limbs seemed to move on their own accord as I watched in amazement and slight horror at what they could do. I grabbed his arms twisting it until the gun dropped from his fingers and I grabbed the wrist pulling the arm around and I slammed my upturned palm into his elbow breaking it with a dull crack. 

The man screamed but somehow I knew his men were too far away to hear or even if they had this would all be over before they returned. My hand scooped up the gun that I had just pulled from my victim's hands and I stood with the barrel aimed between the enemy's eyes. I was going to shoot him. I was going to kill him. Sweat started to run down my forehead and across my lips. I didn't want to kill him. My mind was screaming at me, but I couldn't make my fingers let go of the trigger and when he moved I clicked the safety off and he froze. I looked at him. I saw the horror in his eyes as he waited for his death. I was going to take his life. I was going to kill again.

This flash was different. It didn't knock me off my feet, but it almost made me scream. I saw their faces flash threw my mind and I knew that they were my victims. I was stained with the blood of evil and the innocent. I swallowed and my hand began to shake. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~` **Cinq Kingdom**

"Well this is an interesting situation." Duo mused as he powered up his Gundam and shut the cockpit sealing himself inside the Death scythe. "Who would have thought the 'perfect soldier' could loose his memory." 

"We don't know what happened Duo, but we do know we don't have much time." Quatre put in over the mike. 

"So I've been told." Duo responded sourly, "and no memory or not I know Heero's not going to wait around for us to arrive. Did you see that look in his eyes? He is planning something. Even if he doesn't have it all figured out. He's not going to wait for us." 

Quatre sighed and Duo shook his head as he followed his friend out of the base. "We should have stopped him when he left for Relena in the first place. We should have at least gotten a bead on where he was going." 

"Wishful thinking." Duo mused. "Heero doesn't work like that. I suppose we're lucky he lost his memory or otherwise he never would have called us." 

"He felt guilty." Quatre explained. "When we learned the this 'New Oz' was rising not necessarily planning to take the same path as the former but steal their name he thinks he should have know they would go after Relena." 

"Yeah well there's not much they can get out of her. She doesn't know anything." Duo commented as he checked his screen. 

"She's knows where we are." Quatre added. "She knows that Wufie and Trowa are on an undercover mission. She knows more than enough to please them." 

Duo swallowed. "I just hope she's all right, and that Heero doesn't do anything crazy." 

"Well be there within the hour let's just hope they can hold up until then." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~` **Heero**

The bloodied images were too much and the gun slipped from my fingers falling to the soft ground with a dull thud. I couldn't do it knowing that I had killed so many before him. I could almost see the blood staining my hands. I wanted to wash them over and over again, but somehow I knew they would never be clean. I was dammed and there was no way I would be able to make up for it. In stead of shooting him I rushed forward my hand wrapping around his mouth and I ripped part of his uniform off and gagged him. That done I cuffed his hands with the cuffs sticking out of this pocket and tied him to a nearby tree with a length of rope he carried. He would get out. I knew that much, but I couldn't let my self shoot him. I didn't want to be a monster. 

Giving him one last look. I plunged into the forest following the trail the clumsy soldiers had left for me. All the exhaustion was wiped from my body as I ran. I just knew that I had to save Relena and something was inching its way into my memory less mind. I didn't know if it was my memory or not, but I didn't have time to think about it. I just ran. Hoping that somehow I would reach her before it was too late. 

~~~~~~~~~~` 

I **know that didn't really have enough of anything in it but the next is supposed to be better and hopefully now I am back on track with my writing. Thanks for the patience.**


	7. I love her but

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing ****

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing

-Boy has it been forever. I'm sorry about that. 

Memory Lapse 

Chapter 7 'I love her but…' 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~``` **Heero**

It was animalistic the rage that was running through me at that moment. I could feel my heart pounding away in my chest. I could feel my muscles bunching as I pumped my arms and my legs willing them to move faster despite the stiffness and fatigue that filled me. It was wild how fast I moved sweeping through the foliage as if it were nothing not making a single sound as I bounded forward. I was fast approaching the two soldiers that had a good lead on me and behind me the sun was already beginning to set. I could feel the night air starting to surround me and I hopped that I wasn't too late to save. Somehow I new that I needed to tell her what I felt that no matter what the me before this I said I loved her, cared for her. There was something about her that made me care, made me think about her. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~```` **Relena**

I felt my head strike something and my eyes flew open and I felt the stinging pain in my chest with my sharp intake of breath. Something wasn't right, oh something was very wrong. My face was stiff and one side completely immobile with some sort of sticky substance keeping it from moving or my eye from opening. My head was pooled in blue canvas. My whole body ached and throbbed. There was another jarring bump this time hitting my side. This time I jumped to a sitting position blinking as I did. Nothing was clear. 

"Lay back down if you know what's good for you." A voice wafted from in front of me and I tried to bring my arm up to rub my good eye and get the fuzziness to leave but another bump kept me from doing so. I was moving someone was dragging me. I was so confused as I looked forward trying to remember what it was I was doing here. 

"So the princess finds her accommodations unsuitable." 

I knew that voice. Unlike the earlier one I knew this one and it sent chills racing up and down my spine. My last encounter with him raced through my mind revealing the reason for my sore ribs and nausea. My hand started to shake as I hit another bump. Someone, the guard who had spoken to me before was pulling me across the ground on a blue canvas tarp. They were taking me back to the prison. I was probably going to die there. 

"We still have much to discuss my dear, but my friends suggested I move you to nicer facilities and I must say I had to agree." 

My fingers began quaking as I lifted it up to feel the side of my face stiff and unmoving with dried blood and tears built in the corners of my eyes. I was going to die here, or I was going to break and I didn't want to do that. The last encounter filled my mind with dread as I thought of how close I had been to telling them everything I knew. Guilt raced through my system as I thought of betraying my friends, or betraying Heero. 'Oh God.' My heart stopped for a moment and I wondered if he had gotten out, or even if he remembered anything. 

"Speechless I see." He tisked behind me. I could hear his shoes making crackling sounds in the leaves. "We'll just have to fix that." 

I shook again my eyes closing as a few lone tears fell down my cheeks and I gathered my legs under my body and lay back down. I need to conserve my strength. I needed to keep my head so that when he tortured me the next time I wouldn't say anything. I didn't want to be weak. I wouldn't break. I would be like Heero, I would be strong to the end and he would be safe. He would be safe; he might even be free right now. My eyes drifted shut as I thought of him flying back to the base. A least this way he would be okay, perhaps I had managed to save someone for a change. The thought gave me hope, but only for an instant. 

I hit another rock, it's sharp edge digging into my skin, but I didn't flinch. I shut my eyes and tried to sleep with the threat of death looming over me and a silent prayer for my friends and my strength-taking root in my mind. This wouldn't be for nothing. I would be strong to the end. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~````

Quatre checked beacon that he had activated when Heero had contacted them and sighed. He knew that Duo had been right. 'Heero would do anything but stay put.' He had seen the look as well. Even when he wasn't himself the sear determination still shined through. His independence too strong to foil. He was strong willed, loyal, and foolish and it was going to get him killed. 

"Hey Quatre, I ran a thermal scan of the area you know checking for people. I found two large groups, most definitely humans, probably people searching for Heero, but I can't be sure about the smaller scans. It could be anything, but at least we can avoid the crowds." Duo smirked for a moment as he looked at Quatre's worried expression. 

"Hey, you know I could be wrong about Heero. He might be sitting right there waiting patiently for us to arrive. Perhaps some of his most 'wonderful' personality quirks left with his memory." Duo said almost mockingly but to his credit with a hint of sincere hope. 

"I don't think so Duo." Quatre said smiling back at him. "Heero is more likely to tell us all how much he loves us than that." 

"Well he's already half way there. He said he loved Relena." Duo joked shaking his head. "I about fell out of my chair. I know my mouth was hanging open. I don't think I ever heard him say anything resembling that." 

Quatre was silent for a moment as they neared the wooded area where Heero as at. He brought of a scan of the area and focused in on Heero's Gundam and headed for it making sure that his cloaking device was one. It wouldn't do any good for visual confirmation, but no one would be able to pick them up on a radar screen. "We'll be there in about fifteen minutes. I just hope we're not to late and he's done something stupid.

"Count on it." Duo snorted the humor almost absent from his voice this time. "As long as I've known Heero I know he never gives up, or leaves his work for someone else to do." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~```` **Heero **

Somehow I knew when I had found them. The trial I had been following was fresher and there was a wide flat mark on the ground where something had been dragged. I moved slower then more careful not miss anything. I watched the ground for anything that would lead me to believe at Relena was all right, but everything pointed to her being in bad shape. I just hoped that I would be able to stop them before it was too late. 

Night was falling rapidly around me and even though I found my eyes adjusting to the coming darkness easily I began to fell anchious about the trail I was following. I had to come on them soon. They couldn't have gotten that far. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~```` **Relena**

I felt someone reaching under my arms and hauling me to my feet not even bothering to give my prior warning. As soon as I was on my feet they let go of me and it was all I could do to keep from falling back down. My scratched and bruised arms reached out desperate for support and grabbed hold of a nearby tree. This time though still unclear my vision was better. My body still ached and my eye was swollen shut and each breath was like an ice pick striking my body. 

"Time for you to walk Princess. We're getting tired of pulling you while you sleep." 

My eyes fell on him as he grabbed my arm and pulled me forward. They hadn't tied my arms or legs. I could just run, but I knew I wouldn't try it. I wouldn't get anywhere. Nothing was moving, as it should. My foot hit a root as I stumbled after him and I was pitched forwards my face almost striking the ground before the guard caught me and pulled me to my feet. I wanted to pull out of his grasp, to spit in his obnoxious face, but I was too tired.

"Forget how to walk." He smirked, his mouth turning up in an amused smiled, as he looked at me his grip tightening. "I'm going to have fun with you." He whispered as he righted me and released his hold one me. "Lots of fun." 

I pulled away from him as he looked at me thoughtfully his gaze making me quake with fear. I could see the lust in his eyes as he looked at me. He wanted to hurt me, he wanted to hear me scream and he would do it until I talked or until I died. 

"Besides we're almost there and you can't be dragged in. There are too many stairs." He laughed loudly and turned back around. 

I stood there motionless for a few moments my eyes glued to the back of his head. I hated him. I hated more than I thought possible. I had never actually wished for the death of anybody, but in that moment I wished that someone would kill him, or better yet I could watch. The thought was disquieting and I wouldn't have been able to move if not for the man who came up behind me and non-too gently shoved me forward. 

Each step was agony as we moved too quickly for my failing body. I could already see the moon rising in the darkening sky and over the tree tops the roof of a tall black building resembling the pillars of Romanesque castles. This was were I was going to die.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~``` 

Duo eyed the ground and maneuvered his Gundam to sit in-between a couple of trees and felt a slight jolt as it touched down. Lowering it to the ground, Duo laid it down to further conceal it from view and switched the power off as he opened the cockpit and hopped out. Quatre who had landed before him was already peaking into the Zero pilot's Gundam and shaking his head. Duo knew it. He was gone.

"Well we've better set out after him. We don't have much time and without his memory he has very little chance of pulling anything off." Quatre remarked sadly pulled something out of his pocket and looked at it closely. 

"What are you looking at Q." Duo asked as he jogged toward Quatre and leaned over his shoulder to look at what the blond man was holding. 

"It's a read out. I did a scan of my own and I was looking for one of the groups that might have Relena. There are two of them. One further south, but heading north and one more straight-ahead and heading north as well. Whatever it is they're all going to the same place. All we have to do is follow them and I'll bet we'll not only find the base, but Heero, or possibly Relena on the way." 

Duo nodded and reached behind his back pulling out his gun. "I'm guessing we'll need these." He smiled lopsidedly and started walking the readouts had indicated. "Better bring a flashlight, looks like we're going to have to do this in the dark." 

Quatre nodded. "I know. Lets just hope Heero doesn't do anything stupid." 

"I though we already covered that." Duo said slowly. "That's about all we can count on." 

Quatre picked his gun out of its holster and held it in front of him. He knew that he was going to have to use it before the night was over. 'Forgive me Allah.' He thought solemnly and looked toward the darkening sky. He had thought all of this over with after Mariemaya.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~```` **Heero**

I crouched lower as I inched forward. I could hear their voices and I knew their steps. It was them. I knew it. Hiding in some foliage I peaked out at trying to catch sight of them. There they were not even aware of my presence. A small sense of satisfaction washed over me with the thought but all of it was washed away in one instant when I caught sight of her. 

She was walking numbly her feet barely leaving the ground. Her clothes were torn and tattered her face was read and swollen. They had beaten her. I remembered her from what seemed like ages ago her bright angelic face bending over mind asking me to get up. I remember her touch the way she had tended to my wounds. Her soothing selfless words. How could they have done that to her. What was it that made them want her anyway? Why were they after her? Nothing came in the way of an answer but I didn't have time to think about my failing memory or what it was that drew her to me. I had to think of a way to save her, but nothing was coming to mind. Whatever it was I had been relying on was gone. It was just me left whoever that was.

Someone shoved me and I stumbled almost not catching myself because my feet didn't come up far enough. My hands flew out catching a tree and I began walking again, mechanical, afraid. I had to do something. I tried to bring up something, some sort of training that would help me, but there was nothing. What had happened before and why wouldn't it happen now? 

I hid like a coward as I watched them push her around. Push her toward her doom. I couldn't let them take her I couldn't. Night was almost upon us. I had to do something. Yet my body didn't move and my mind was blank. 

"Hurry it up!" One on the guards yelled angrily and hit Relena with the butt of his gun this time making her loose her balance and fall for the ground. Her scream ripped through me as I watched her helplessly fall to the ground. That was when I acted. Just like the last time it took over. Making my body move in ways I never thought possible. Before I knew it I was behind the man who had pushed Relena and I had his head in my hands preparing to twist. I stopped them an instant before I did it. I almost killed him. I would have. My fingers shook as I thought of the Captain still tied in the woods. I had almost killed him as well. I couldn't, no, I wasn't a monster. 

The hesitation was all the man needed as he jammed the back of his gun into my stomach knocking my breath out momentarily and he warned the others that was there. The surprise was over. I jumped on him kicking him in the face before he could strike again. He teetered on his heals for a moment before falling backward and hitting the ground with a thud. I hurriedly reached down taking the gun in my hands and shoving it in the waste of my pants.

"Heero watch out!" 

I turned just in time to see one of the men raising his gun in my direction. The one closest to Relena reached out and slapped her across the face sending her into silence again. I jump and flipped as the gun was fired barely avoiding the bullets as he shot at me. It didn't even occur to me that I was drawing my gun. The cold metal on my palm was too familiar. I knew this. As I turned I fired back hitting the man in the chest and knocking him backwards. I was running on rage, a white-hot fire that burned through my entire body. It consumed me and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I turned to the last man to see him smirking at me. He already had his gun drawn and he fired. I couldn't dodge this one. It came at me and I just stood there my gaze locked on the bullet as it embedded itself in my right shoulder flinging it backwards and making the gun fall from my finger as it immediately numbed.

**_flash _**

_"Well I can see whose the bad guy here." _

The bullet fired by a braided man in a priest outfit flew hitting me in the arm and making me jump backwards. He'd caught me by surprise. I didn't know anyone else was there. I jumped out of the way but another bullet lodged itself in my leg making me fall to my knees. 

"What'd you want to shoot him for." 

I looked up my eyes glazing. She was standing in front of me her arms spread wide her blue party dress wiping in the wind. She was preventing him from shooting me, but why? Why did she care? I was nothing. 

**_Flash_**

"NO!" 

I looked up just in time to see Relena launch herself onto the man grabbing his gun and trying to pull it from his fingers. 

"I won't let you shoot him!" She raged as she grabbled with him with withering strength. 

I reached down still recovering from the shock of the flash and grabbed the fallen gun with my good hand and brought it to bear. Before I could even think about it I fired. The bullet went right around Relena and lodged itself in his chest. His fell backwards a sick smile on his face. Then it hit me. The gun slipped from my fingers as I watched the blood run down his chest as he slipped to the ground. I saw it splattered on the back of the tree behind him. I'd killed him. I killed him. I was a monster. Still smoking, I let the gun fall from my fingers. I didn't even acknowledge the pain racing through my arm or that Relena was talking to me. My gaze shifted to the man who I had shot in the head. 

"Oh God." I whispered as I backed a few steps from the carnage I had caused. The images flashed through my mind rapidly as I though of it. I couldn't fight it. It was what I was. I was a killer. I didn't want to be but I was. 

"Heero are you okay?" 

I looked up just as she latched herself onto me wrapping me in a hug her tears soaking my shirt her breath tickling my neck. 

"I was so scared. I hoped you were safe. I wanted you to be safe, but we have to go before they catch us again and this time your hurt." She cried harder. 

All I could do was stand there dumbly looking at the men I had shot. As she hugged me tighter her fingers wrapping weakly in my shirt. Then it rushed through me in a torturous wave. I did love her but… I pulled her away from me searching her eyes. I didn't know who I was still but I did know one thing. Heero Yuy whoever he was loved someone he would never be worthy of. 

"Relena I…" I started as I tried to say the words, but nothing would come out. I couldn't tell her that I loved her because I knew I would never be with her. I had killed to many. I couldn't stop myself. Even when I didn't have my memories the instinct was there. There was no stopping it. I was a danger to her. If anything I would kill her one-day. I stepped away from her letting my hands drop from her arms. It hurt to look at her. I turned away my gaze reaching toward the sky were the stars had started to come out. I loved her but I couldn't have her. "We have to go." I whispered. I was a monster. I killed, again. I was a killer. 

"Let me bandage your arm at least." Her plea reached me making my wince with the sincerity. 

I turned again pulling an emotionless mask onto my face. "We don't have time." I told her. "I called the others they're coming for us." 

"You remember?" She whispered. "Do you remember who you are?" 

"No." I told her honestly. "I don't remember everything. There are just flashes." 

"Oh." She whispered and stumbled toward me. I couldn't watch her struggle. I reached out with my good arm and wrapped it around her waist. "Let's go." I tried to smile, but nothing would come onto my face. Perhaps this was why Relena had been shocked when I had smiled before. Could it be this was one of the reasons the real me didn't smile. I didn't know, but I really didn't want to find out either. I didn't want to know how horrible I was. I didn't want to even think about it. 

The image of the two men was still in the back of my mind. I could see the blood. The way they'd fallen the expressions on their dead faces, horror. I was a monster. 

****

Oh that was kind of sad…. Didn't really plan on it being like that, but its not over yet. 


	8. Rescue

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing ****

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing

_I got this out pretty quick I think considering how long it took me to get the last chapter out. 

Memory Lapse

Chapter 8 'Rescue'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`````

Duo and Quatre ducked lower in the foliage and as voices reached them from the now pitch black forest. Duo turned off his flashlight and focused on the noise as he tightened his grip on his gun and prepared to attack if necessary. There was a half moon and just enough light to make a single man stumbling through the bushes. He was clutching his arm to his chest and mumbling incoherently. It was obvious even in the darkness that it was broken. 

"Martin." Quatre whispered beside him and inched forward silently and looked at him closer. "That's Claven Martin. We've been trying to find him since this uprising started the base must be somewhere in these woods." 

Duo looked closer and frowned. "Well it looks like he feel down a mountain or maybe ran into a tree. He's stumbling and probably near delirium from blood loss." 

"Let's get him." Quatre said evenly. "If we can get him back to base we can question him later and then maybe this war will be over." 

Duo nodded. "Right. I don't think this will be too hard. He's basically out of it anyway." Just as he spoke Martin stumbled forward and almost lost his balance but caught it when his good hand grabbed a tree. He breathed heavily for a moment and then slumped forward his weight making his knees sink until he was flopped out on the forest floor breathing shallowly. 

"Well that was too easy." Duo mumbled as he put his gun in the waistband of his pants and stepped out of the trees and kneeled by the unconscious man. Examining the arm without lifting it Duo nodded his head. "Broken. It two places possibly. It was a pretty clean break thought looks like someone his him in the…" 

"Yuy." The man mumbled and shook his head as his good hand struck the ground. "Must…can't…" He trailed off and shook as a fever chill ran through his body. 

"Seems like Heero has regained some of his memory." Duo denounced as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a small medkit. "Don't you think so." Duo asked as he glanced over his shoulder at Quatre. 

"I don't know." Quatre said slowly. "I…just I don't know if this means anything." 

"He broke the man's arm in half." Duo said pointedly. 

"You and I both know that Heero's survival instincts are strong. Sometimes he can't even control them. I don't know if losing his memory would kill them completely." Quatre crouched next to Duo and pulled a syringe out of the medkit and injected it into Martin's neck. "This ought to keep him sated until we get Heero and Relena." 

Duo nodded. "I was going to do that." With that said he grabbed hold of the man's arms and pulled him into the bushes. "He ought to be quiet and when we find them we can head back for him." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ **Relena **

I was walking but I didn't know how I was making one foot come in front of the other. I so tired. My head ached where I had been struck repeatedly and I wanted to sleep. A sharp pain shot through every limb of my body with each breath I took. I couldn't remember everything the man had done to me, but I saw his blank face looking up at me in my mind. I could still see the trail of blood that ran down his shoulder. I'd never been that close to someone when they'd died. He'd actually clutched my shoulders before he fell to the ground completely lifeless. The thought of him made me shiver. 

"Just a little further." He said evenly for about the third time in an hour. "Just a little further." 

That's all he said to me and I had a feeling it was more reflex than anything else. Perhaps he was merely trying to drive himself along. I could still feel the blood running from his bullet wound all over my fingers. It was warm and sticky and I knew that he wouldn't last much longer if he didn't let me bandage it. 

"Let's stop." I said shakily and turned to look at his face shadowed in the moonlight. His face was so pale even in the darkness and his eyes so haunting. He seemed to slump against me for a moment as if he wanted to very badly but he didn't stop walking. "

"We don't have time." He argued. "We have to get back before someone comes looking for us." He yanked me forward but with not much zeal and I planted my feet refusing to move. 

"Will you stop it." I almost screamed but kept my voice low knowing any noise could alert someone to our presence. "I'm not going another step until you stop and let me help you." I noticed the way his eyes flickered for a moment and he stopped. 

"It seems as if you're always saving me." Heero announced slowly and with some confusion. 

I almost laughed but he seemed so serious I didn't. "I wish you could remember Heero. You saved me a thousand times." I sighed and we lowered ourselves to the ground together. I didn't know if I could stand up without his support and I think he felt the same way. 

"We'll only rest for a minute." He announced slowly as he lowered himself into the leaves and leaned his back on the tree just behind us. He let out a tortured wince and closed his eyes. 

I looked up at the sky listening to our shallow breathing and wondered if we would make it out of this alive. Everything seemed hopeless. I looked at his arm closely and took a deep breath as my head swam with the movement. "I'm going to rip your sleeve alright and wrap your arm with it." 

"Why do you care." He asked as I reached my hand out and started tearing his shirt at his bicep so not to jar his shoulder.

I look up as he turned his head toward me. His face was glistened with sweat and he swallowed hard his deep blue eyes looking at me intensely. "I don't…" I started. 

"Why do you care when I have done nothing but threaten you since I've known you? Why do you care when I've killed countless people? You should be afraid of me." He hung his head and turned from my eyes as if he were ashamed to look at me. 

"What do you remember?" I asked suddenly. "What made you believe that?"

"I see it in flashes." He confided shakily. "I see me pointing guns at you. I see the people I've killed. I know what I am." 

"And what's that?" I asked my voice shaking as I ripped his shirt and moved my hand up to roll his sleeve back. He winced as I began prying the fabric from the blood soaked bullet hole. I could hardly see him flinch but he closed his eyes and tensed under my fingers. When I had it pulled back I began wrapping the strip tightly around the wound making a hiss escape his lips. "What do you think you are?" I asked slowly. 

"I think…" he trailed off his eyes leaving the ground and staring off into the distance. "I think…" 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~```` **Heero**

I didn't want to answer her. I didn't want her to say that it was true that she believed it too. "I think," I said for the third time unable to get the words out of my mouth. I let my eyes gaze into the forest and I fell silent even though I could still hear her beside me silently waiting for an answer. 

"Heero?" She whispered. 

I was about to turn back to her when I saw something move in the foliage. I would have gotten to my feet, but my legs didn't seem to be working. It was almost as if the blood flow had been temporally shut off.

"Heero?" She asked again a slight edge to her voice. "What?" 

"Shh." I said shakily as I tried to push the both of us further into the darkness. "Someone's coming. I can hear them." I paused and grabbed hold of her arm with my good hand and pulled her to my other side. Forcing my legs to move I slinked further into the shadows pulling her with me. I could feel her body shaking her my grasp. She was scared. I knew her pulse was racing. This time I was sure I wouldn't be able to protect her. I could hardly move and the instinct that had led me all night was gone, lost somewhere in my exhaustion. I knew she was in worse shape. Her body was beaten and bloody. Bruises blanketed her once flawless skin and I couldn't help but feel it was my fault. 

"I don't want to go back." She whispered against my ear as she pulled close to me wrapping her arms around me in fear. "I just want this to be over." 

It felt so good to have her so close to me her fingers around me her skin against mine. For a moment I forget what I was and pulled her closer with my good hand. We both watched fear sweeping over us as the foliage opened and two figures appeared from the bushes. The both of them looked vaguely familiar. "Duo?" I asked as a name met the face in my mind and I narrowed my eyes to look closer. It was them the ones I had contacted. 

"Duo?" I said louder and pulled Relena with me as moved away from the shrouding darkness and into the light. 

The both of them turned toward me their faces flashing in horror. I must have looked really bad. I didn't know who they were, but for some reason I trusted them. "I've got Relena." I announced slowly as I pulled her out of the darkness and into the moonlight to stand beside me. We stood there for a few precious moments relief running through the both of us until our adrenaline disappeared our knees gave out from under us and we started falling toward the ground. Before we could hit I felt someone grabbing onto me. His fingers were digging into my shoulder unknowingly and I let out a sharp cry as a white hot pain slid through my body. Immediately he let go and I fell the rest of the way to the ground. 

"Whoa buddy what's wrong?" Duo asked as he released me. 

"My shoulder." I mumbled slowly. "Shot." 

"I'm sorry man." He apologized as he lifted me up again this time avoiding my injured arm. "I didn't know." 

"It's all right." I said and I felt the way he tensed at my words. 

"So you remember who you are?" He asked as we moved forward slowly but more steadily and at a faster pace then Relena and I could go. 

I looked up glancing at Relena who was almost being carried by the blond man who I had talked to earlier. His name was on the tip of my tongue, Q-Qua-Quatre. I almost smiled as I remembered it but couldn't tear my eyes away from Relena and way she was walking. She was so hurt and exhausted and I hadn't been able to stop it from happening. 

"Don't worry she'll be okay." Duo said. 

I glanced at him slowly and then back at her. "What's with her and me." I mumbled. I wanted to know so badly and even with my weary body didn't care for speech at the moment my heart and mind did. I wanted to know. 

"I take as you don't remember anything." He said a slight smirk crossing his lips. "I thought you said you loved her." 

I shook my head as I tried to remember saying that, but everything was fuzzy. Finally I caught hold of the memory and nodded. "Yeah, I did but that was before I remembered what I did to her. How could she ever love me back?" 

"You have the same problem no matter what." 

"What do you mean?" I asked 

"Heero you've always had the same problem when it came to her. I think she loves you with everything in her, but you, you can't seem to see that. At least I had never heard you come close to that until this afternoon." 

"But I don't deserve her." I said solemnly as I watched her stumble forward a small cry escaping he lips. "What did I ever do for her but threaten her life." 

"Heero are you crazy you saved her a thousand times. You've protected her with everything you are!" Duo almost screamed in his annoyance. "You Heero have done nothing but save her." 

"And kill." 

"What?" 

"And kill," I said again, "I saw them in flashes. I saw the people I'd killed I saw all of it. Do you know what I did back there? I shot them without a thought. How can someone with so much blood staining his hands love someone else without killing her in the end." With that I fell into silence and he didn't say anything else. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`````

Quatre couldn't believe how awful the both of them looked. Relena was most visibly beaten her face swollen and her eye shut and covered in dried and clotted blood that had run down her cheek. There was a large bruise across her right cheek and her arms were scratched and bleeding. He knew from her heavy step that she was completely exhausted. Heero didn't look much better though. He'd lost a significant amount of blood and the blow to his head had obviously given him a concussion and there was no telling how long his amnesia would last. To make it short the two were lucky to be alive. 

Relena hadn't said a word the whole time her eyes focused on the ground as she tired her best to put one foot in front of the other. Her breathing was short and shallow and her skin cold and clammy. 

"How much further?" She whispered her voice startling him. 

"Not much." Quatre said. "We're going to send you and Heero back on Wing Zero and Duo and I are going after the base." 

"Its back there." Relena said gasping and pointing over her shoulder. "They took me there, before, before Heero save me." Her voice trailed off as she finished her sentence and she glance tentatively over her shoulder. "Is he going to be all right?" 

Quatre sighed. She always was more concerned for others than herself. "He'll be fine. He just lost a lot of blood. Once he gets back the both of you will be okay." He assured. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~````

They hadn't been walking long when they reached the clearing where Martin was stashed. "Duo how's he doing?" Quatre whispered quietly over his shoulder. 

"Not good. He keeps loosing consciousness." Duo called back as he shook Heero's shoulder trying to rouse him. 

"Can you carry the both of them?" Quatre asked, "While I drag Martin along." 

Duo sighed. "Yeah just give me Relena." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~````** Relena **

I couldn't remember most of the trek most of it passed in a blur of leaves and dirt. I only seemed to come almost awake when Duo shook my shoulder and pointed to the Wing Zero. I almost cried with joy. It meant I as going to be able to sleep. Finally I could shut my eyes. 

"Relena I'm going to put Heero in there first and then you okay. Quatre has already set it autopilot. You'll return to the base where the medical staff has been notified. It's almost over Princess." He smiled at me and lowered me onto the ground and climbed the suit next to Heero. Heero was pulling himself over it pretty well but his failing arm was making it hard and Duo had to pull him up a few times. Finally they disappeared into the cockpit and Duo climbed back down for me.

"Can you walk over here?" Duo asked as he extended his arm from the Gundams shoulder and waved at me. 

I nodded and got shakily to my feet and grabbed his hand. He pulled me up and into his arms. I felt almost as safe in his as I did I Heero's. When I reached the top of the Gundam I looked down on Heero laying back in his seat his eyes closed. 

"Where do I sit." I asked my vision clouding. 

"There's not much room." Duo said sheepishly. "I know, but we can't risk taking one of you with us and having you get hurt worse. Just sit in his lap." 

"All right." I said shakily as Duo lowered me into the seat. As I straddled his thighs and lay my head on his chest I felt his body tense and I knew his eyes were open. 

"You guys will be back before you know it." Duo whispered and I could have sworn that a small smile grazed his lips as he lowered the cockpit door and moved out of the way. 

I let my eyes slide shut as I felt the Gundam start to move. I was going home. Soon this would all be over. Soon the shaking stopped and I felt us smoothly accelerate. I didn't know when I started to loose consciousness but I felt Heero's arms snake around my waist after that there was nothing.

****

What did you guys think…. There was a little subtle fluff in there. Stay tuned for the rest! 


	9. Goodbye

**Disclaimer:**  I own nothing.

**Authors note:** I know it's been forever since I've updated and I really can't give an excuse, well I can but nobody really cares that much.  All that matters is that I'm back to finish this story and well the rest I'll try to finish as soon as possible.

**Chapter 9 'Goodbye'**

~~~~~```` **Heero           **

Blood dripped from my fingers into a pool of gore surrounding my feet and spreading with each second I stood there.  There was nothing but silence all around me the sound of the blood dripping from my fingers and falling into the grotesque pool the only thing I could hear.  Blood, it covered my entire body.  I could feel it hardening on my skin sinking into my pores and it wasn't mine.  I knew whom it belonged to.  I blinked my eyes and there they were.  Their faces were void and their mouths wide open.  They didn't bleed anymore, they weren't alive.  I took life from them and selfishly claimed it as my own.  

            I backed away my feet splashing in the crimson puddle and I watched as their soulless empty mouths opened.  A wail escaped their throats and tore into me.  It shook my body making my insides rattle.  A sharp pain raced through my body to my skull where the wail continued to hurt and threaten to rip me apart, but I deserved it.  I deserved to die.  I let my hands twine in my soiled hair and fell, splashing, to the ground unable to escape the pain.  It was the pain I had caused and I would live in it forever.  

            "Heero?"  

            I opened my eyes the noise was gone.  Blinking, I took my hands from my head and moved them into my vision.  I looked at them closely.  They were clean.  I turned them over letting my gaze run over my palm and the back of hand as if I'd never seen it before.  The blood that had stained his hands only moments ago and filled each and every crease and imperfection of his palm was gone.  What had happened?  

            "Heero?"  

            The voice reached me again and forced me to look outward.  The blood was gone.  The floor was clean and in front of me she stood.  I couldn't breathe.  I didn't know why she was there looking at me a small smile on her face.  I knew her.  I knew that she had saved me that somewhere in my lost past I had saved her and I also knew that I had tried to kill her.  A scream tore from my throat as I turned from her beautiful face.  Why was she here?  She had to know that I would kill her.  Why did she keep coming?  Why?

            "Heero, why won't you look at me?"  She asked her voice, so innocent and sweet, sinking into my mind and claiming it contaminating it with her essence.  I couldn't escape her words.  I loved her despite how wrong it was I loved her.  I turned. 

            She was standing in front of me so much like an angel her blond hair cascading down her back and over her shoulders.  She was wearing a dress I'd never seen before, or maybe I had, but I couldn't remember when, it was fitted to her features wrapping her every curve and a purple ribbon ran around her criss crossing across her body.   Her eyes were violet, not at all the color they should be.  She smiled at me her eyes sad and filling with violet tears.  

            "Why do you run from me?  Why won't you ever let me in?"  Her fists were clenched at her sides as she shook her eyes never leaving me.  I watched fascinated and appalled as a single tear ran down her cheek and dripped off her chin.  "What is so wrong with me?"  

            The words were so familiar, as if I'd heard them somewhere before.  I wanted to go to her to tell her I didn't know, that I wanted to be with her, but I just stood there and she continued to cry.  Was I always like this, doomed to make her suffer?  It wasn't fair.  What was wrong with me?  Why was I a killer?  What made me this way? I wanted to know.  I wanted to know why I was forced to watch her cry.  I turned my head away from her denying her anything and denying myself just as much.  As soon as I turned there was silence and I was alone again.  

            "What do you think you are?  

            I looked up meeting her eyes again.  They were brilliantly blue this time.  I almost backed away, but my feet refused to move.  Distantly I heard the same drip of the blood as it ran off my stained fingers and hit the floor.  

            "I'm a monster."  I whispered at her as I brought my hands up for her to see.  "I'm stained with blood.  I'm a monster."  

            She smiled at me her mouth curving upward and whispered.  "You're not a monster.  I want you with me.  I want to be with you Heero."  She grabbed my hands placing them on her shoulders.  I saw the red staining the white with a horrified expression, but she didn't pull away.  

            "I am."  I pleaded as her face moved toward mine her lips meeting mine as I had always wished they would.  She didn't listen as her arms came around my waist and my hands dripping still ran through her hair soiling it staining it.  

            I was lost in her.  I didn't know what I was doing anymore and then I heard it a cry from her beautiful mouth and I let her go.  She fell limply from my arms her eyes brimming with tears and a trail of blood running from the corner of her mouth and down her chin.  Her white dress was covered in blood.  The dark almost black liquid ran all over her body her cheeks touched with the red liquid.  "No."  I whispered as her body hit the floor splashing in the pool of blood.  "No."  I shook my head as I watched her stare at me with wide empty eyes.  "No!"  

            Her hand reached from her side toward me for a moment until it wrapped around her waist pressing into a wound in her stomach.  Her face was sad as she suppressed her anguish.  "Why?" she whispered her voice echoing around me.

            I followed her gaze to my hand were a gun was wrapped between my fingers.  I stared at it lost and then ashamed I let it fall from my grip and it hit the ground with a clang and a splash.  I looked back up horror knowingly written on my face as her arm dropped and her head fell to the side.  I'd killed her.  I didn't want to.  I'd warned her.  A scream escaped my parched throat as I looked over her lifeless body and cried. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~````  

            Duo flipped his bangs out of his eyes and stared sadly at the remains of the base.  He had done his job, but he still felt remorse.  Out of pure habit and nothing else he crossed himself and picked up the silver cross lying across his neck and clenched his fist around it as he let a small kiss settle on his fingers.  'I'm sorry.'  He thought.  He knew they'd deserved to die.  All of them part of the organization bent on killing the only truly good people left in the world, but still they were people and still he had taken them from somebody.  Sighing with repressed regret he turned his Gundam around and settled it on the ground.  Right now it was time to tie up the survivors.  Until the back up arrived he and Quatre were on their own.  

            His Gundam touched down with a violent jolt and Duo flipped on his com link and decided he better touch base with Quatre.  "Hey Q-man what's the ETA on that back up?"  

            Quatre's weathered face appeared on the screen.  "They wouldn't give up."  He mumbled.  "We spared as many lives as possible, but even I know that more than we thought died."  

            "Don't worry about it all right.  We did what we had to.  This was their base, we stopped them.  They won't be coming after anyone any more."  Duo said truly feeling better about it.  "Right now we can rest because for now the fighting is over."  

            Quatre sighed.  "Sometimes Duo I think you're the one who's better at this level headed thing."  

            Duo smiled.  "Naw I'm just a lunatic in disguise.  Now let's finish up here and get back to base.  I want to check on Heero and Relena.  I want to make sure they made it back all right."  

            "Same here, oh and we might get to do that sooner than we thought.  I just got our back up on the screen.  We can take Martin back to the base and they'll take care of the rest."  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~````` **Heero**

               I sat up my breathing coming in long gasping gulps that hurt my entire body.  My head was pounding and my heart beating so fast I thought it would jump out of my chest.  I looked around my blurring vision slowly coming into focus.  The wall they were white, no red, no blood, a dream.  An almost relieved sigh escaped my throat and I lay back down the dream running through my mind with painful succession.   My thoughts jumped around wildly for a moment before focusing on my physical rather than my emotional pain.  I couldn't remember ever feeling so tired.  I didn't think having being blown up in the wing Zero had been this bad.  

            I sat up again as I remembered the old injury to my arm and I sighed.  It was the same arm I had been shot in this time.  Nothing seemed to be on my side.  Then it hit me.  I remembered.  I remembered the wing, the explosions the war.  I remembered all of it.  A smile I knew was uncharacteristic spread across my face and I almost rejoiced in my pain.  It seemed to have jolted my memory.  I remembered Dr. J.  I remembered the training, Odin, Relena…  The smile slowly faded from my face as I thought of her.  I had had no idea how deep my feelings for her had run.  She had first sparked any semblance of humanity in me.  She was literally my reason for living.  

            My head was pounding with the onslaught of memories and connections finally being made in the back of my mind.  I remembered being lowered into the cockpit and Relena being lowered down there with me. I had to have been almost delirious with fever and fatigue, but still I remembered how it felt to hold her.  Her cool yet warm skin pressed against my own shivering and fever ridden body, her heart pounding against my chest.  I vaguely remembered wrapping my arms around her waist and pulling her to me refusing to let her.  We weren't safe yet I couldn't let her go.  Her breathing had been slow and content and for the first time in my entire life I was happy.  

            It didn't make any sense.   How could I think this was the happiest moment of my life when I'd almost been killed over a dozen times, when the one I loved was suffering in my arms?  Was it the fact that she was there with me that I found joy in the situation?  I didn't know.  My eyes scanned the room lazily for a moment before settling on the IV drip just to my right.  I watched as a small crystalline ball of moisture dripped off the side of the bag as if it had been jousted.  It reminded me of the rain, and her voice begging me not to leave her.  

~~~~~~~~~``````

"Get up!"  Her blond hair was soaked and plastered to her forehead.  "Heero you have to get up!"  Her blue eyes were so intense even in the darkness they refused to let him go.  

~~~~~~~~```````

            I was confused.  Though it wasn't the first time it had happened it was the first time I'd felt confusion like this.  Was this always inside me even before I lost my memory, before she saved me?  I loved, I loved her, but I was a monster, a killer, and a creature of habit.  My heart constricted in my chest as I thought about everything I had done.  It was like watching myself on a movie screen.  I had never looked at myself like this before, or had never been able to, now I knew.  Of no fault of my own I would one day kill Relena, or maybe it would be my fault.  I remembered how I had faced those men unsure of what to do and how my body had automatically reacted.  I'd killed three men when I had promised myself I wouldn't kill anymore.  I hadn't wanted to be a monster I tried to fight and it and I couldn't.  I may have let one man go free but I'd killed three others.  Sorrow like I've never felt before washed over me like a wave and threatened to pull me under.  I'd never admitted that I loved her, only that she was foolish to care about me when I felt nothing for her but gratitude and a slight admiration for her strength.  Some how my short lapse of memory had brought it out.  In those few days of desperate attempts to get free to live, I grasped on the feeling I had been avoiding.  It was devotion, obsession, fear, compassion, and loyalty…it was love.  I loved her, I wanted her, and I couldn't have her.

            My body still feeling weak and beaten I turned toward the door my vision swimming slightly with the movement.  I need to see her.  I wanted to look at her and make sure she was all right and then if she was I would leave.  I want to say anything to her for fear my mouth would run away with me.  I realized something and I wanted to tell her to let her now that I did love her, but I knew that would only make it worse.  Holding my arm with one hand and my pounding skull with the other I slipped off the bed and onto the cold floor.  My feet stung with the cool linoleum under them, but I ignored and I tried to keep my knees from buckling under me.  It took a while but soon my vision cleared and my legs were holding me.  I knew my clothes were discarded and thrown away, so I didn't have anything to change into.  I didn't know what would look stranger me walking about in torn fatigues or a hospital gown.  I slowly pulled the IV from my arm with a slight wince and straightened my posture.  I had to look like I was better then well, I looked like.  

            I opened the door slowly peeking into the hall and making sure it was empty.  It was.  I slipped out of the room and into the hall.  I didn't know where Relena was, but I figured she was on the same hall as I was.  I started down the hall my feet reluctant to move and my entire body protesting each movement.  As if by luck I turned the corner and there was Zechs Marquise, checking in on his sister I assumed and Hilde leaving a room.  I knew that was where she was.  I ducked back behind the corner and listened to them talking, waiting for them to leave.  It wasn't long before their steps receded and I was alone.  I knew where she was I would see her, make she was all right and I would leave.  There was a deep ache when I thought about leaving, but I had to.  I couldn't stay.  It was selfish.  

            My body was shaking with exhaustion and effort when I finally stepped into her room.  It was dark except for a thin stream of light that was running in through a slightly open curtain.  The light spilled across her face bathing it sunlight and catching the bright golden glint of her hair.  I stood there for a moment and just looked at her.  She was beaten, badly, but she was still beautiful.  Just like he'd seen when she saved him.  It was hard to describe just what she was.  I shut the door and relaxed my straight posture unable to keep it any longer and shuffled toward her using the wall for support.  I sunk into a chair beside her bed and assessed her injuries.  Under her hospital gown he could see a bright binding tape over her ribs, broken.  There were bruises and scratches covering the rest of her body.  Her head is wrapped in a white gauze and one of her eyes is swollen shut with purpled flesh the same side has a large bruise across her delicate cheek.  Cautiously I reach my fingers out and touch her unharmed cheek and caress it with my thumb.  Her skin is soft beneath my touch and I feel her breathe on my arm.  

            She'll be okay, I reason as I pulled my hand away.  She'll pull through like she always does.  I reason with myself as I watch her sleep.  She doesn't need me.  I remember the dream I'd had this morning.  I remembered her dead and empty eyes.  If I didn't leave that would be reality; yet my legs refused to move.  It didn't make sense nothing made since to me anymore.  So I sat watching her waiting for what I didn't know. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~``````` **Relena**

            I felt something warm on my cheek.  I felt finger running over my face.  The touch was unfamiliar, but the feeling was so familiar.  I didn't know who it was, but I knew them.  There were blank spots in my mind and I couldn't wake.  As soon as his fingers left I fell back into the darkness and let go.  I couldn't find my way out.  There was no knowledge of time.  I didn't know how long I'd been stuck swimming in the deep pool of darkness.  I knew who I was, but it didn't matter.  For a moment everything would be clear and then the darkness would pull me and I forgot.  I was lost.    

~~~~~~~~~~~~`````````

            I can't stay here.  I shake my head despite the nausea that follows the action.  This is ridiculous I realize and I move away from her bed.  I would be lying if I thought that loosing my memory hadn't changed me.  It had.  I forgot for a brief moment what I was and in that moment I was finally able to recognize the feelings for her.  I didn't even think I had feelings but despite the knowledge I still had a logical sense that she didn't posses.   I understood what she couldn't.  I was a killer.   I felt the blood rushing through my body as I turned from her peaceful face.  I didn't want to leave her because I didn't want to be alone.  I swallowed hard still not sure how to deal with this new revelation.  I wouldn't have to worry about it though.  In a couple of hours I would be out of this ward and she would be out of my life forever.


	10. What friends are for

**Disclaimer: I own nothing**

**Note:  I know no one reviewed the last chapter, but I'm really not surprised.  It's been a long time since I wrote anything for this story.  I'm kinda finishing this story for myself as well as those who asked me too, so reviews or not I'm going to finish the story. **

**Memory Lapse**

**Chapter 11 'What friends are for'**

~~~~`````

"I thought I'd find you here?"  

            I turned quickly and winced as a shot of pain raced through my arm and I was forced to lean against the stiff metal of my cotpit as I tried my best to regain the my breath.  I was still weak and quick movements didn't seem to be doing me any good at the moment.  

            "Go away," I mumbled keeping my voice hard despite the pain that was lacing its way through my chest and worming it's way to my other limbs.  It was excruciating, but I didn't let it stop me.  I had worked with worse and lived, this was no different.  

            "Back to our old selves I see."  Duo bounded up the stairs surprisingly light and active despite his sweat slicked hair.  "I wasn't sure you were you until you told me to go away.  Old habits die hard I suppose."  He leaned casually against my Gundam and shook his head.  

            I didn't like him touching my stuff.  I narrowed my eyes and glared at him.  He didn't even flinch.  "I told you to go away and I mean it."  

            "And you sound very convincing even though you're desperately trying to catch your breath and hey is that blood?" He mocked as I pointed at my shoulder where I'd just noticed the growing spot of blood.  It looked like I had ripped something.  

            I didn't have anything to say to him so I turned to my Gundam and started to climb inside.  I wouldn't have to worry about this later.  What I didn't expect to feel was my friend's, the closest thing to a friend I had ever had, hand on my injured shoulder.  I turned quickly swallowing the pain and blackness that threatened to overcome my senses and reached for him but it was too late his long fingers pressed hard.  I felt his nails dig into the wound ripping barely scabbed flesh open and tearing the skin around the exit wound.   A silent cry left my lips as my mouth opened wide and my knees buckled underneath me.  My instinct was gone and I collapsed.  

            "Do you see this Yuy," he asked humorlessly as his hand continued to press bruised and bleeding flesh, "if you were at even half your normal strength, hell maybe just a third, this," he paused to press the wound harder and I let out a tiny groan despite my best efforts, "wouldn't stop you.  Given I realize it would still hurt like hell, but you Heero run with broken legs and don't flinch.  You have to understand that can't go like this.  One stray fire fight and you're down for the count.  You'll be dead before you even raise your buster cannon."

            He removed his fingers from my shoulder and I opened my eyes focusing on his blood stained fingers my entire body shaking and fighting unconsciousness.  I didn't know what to think at that moment but my blood was boiling and if I even managed to get up I was going to kill him.  

            "Some of your memory must still be gone, because I seem to recall you being smarter than this.  You always knew your limits.  You must be missing some part of your brain called common sense." He put his hands on my arms pinning them to my sides.  "You're hurt and can't afford to go out now.  Stop being a moron and let me take you back to the hospital."  

            I glared at him the rage building again and I did nothing to squash it as I bucked upward throwing Duo off guard as I managed to roll him away.  I rolled with him and ended up straddling his chest as I pulled my fist back and punched him in the jaw.  I was only awake long enough to hear the satisfying crunch and his exclamation of pain before darkness surrounded me.  

~~~~~~~~~~```

              "Why…" Quatre stopped as he gazed at Duo with Heero over his shoulder.  "Wait maybe I should skip why and go right to 'the what happened?'"  

            "He was running," Duo said and laid Heero gently on the recently empty hospital bed and sighed.  "For someone so small he sure does weight a lot."  

            "That doesn't explain why he's laid out flat?"  Quatre pulled his gaze from Heero's unconscious body to Duo's face, "or why you're sporting a new bruise."  

            "Yeah well he didn't want to go back."  Duo mumbled.  

            "So you decided to smack him in head with a wrench," Quatre asked raising a brow.  

            "No, he's the only one that did the hitting.  He jumped on me and punched me in the face."  

            "What made him do that, or do I even want to know."  

            "I was just showing Heero that he was still human.  I kinda agitated his injuries," Duo shook his head, "it's not my fault he was hardly able to stand on his own two feet.  He passed out after he jumped on me."  

            "How are we going to keep him here?" Quatre puzzled as he pressed the red button on Heero's bed calling for the doctor.  

            "Maybe we should tie him up," Duo suggested.  

            "How about we keep watch, Trowa and Wufie are due back in tomorrow and they should be able to help us.  No one else will be able to keep Heero in bed."  

~~~~~``` **Heero**

When I finally came too I realized I felt better than I had in at least a week.  My eyes were heavy and my limbs a little slow to respond but over all it was an improvement.  My senses were coming back as well and I knew instantly that I wasn't alone and that I was no longer in the hanger where my Gundam was stored.  Duo must have brought me back to the hospital.  As the realization hit me I slowly opened my eyes and turned my head to where I though the intruder was.  It was Duo sitting beside the only table in the room his booted feet propped up on the table his chair leaning back on two legs.  The arrogant little bastard, I'm going to kill him.  

            "Don't even bother.  You may feel better but you're drugged," He didn't even look up from his magazine.  

            I narrowed my eyes and wondered just how drugged I was.  I felt all right, then again.  I tried to move my arm again but it took a few moments for it to lay across my chest.  I realized that it wasn't just fatigue.  I really wanted to kill him now.  

            "No matter how much you threaten I know you can't do any real damage."  Duo flipped a page in his magazine and finally peeked over the top winking at me.  

            My blood started to boil.  When it came to Duo I usually had two reactions rage, and indifference, unfortunately for him he tended to bring out rage.  "How long do you plan on trying to keep me here?"  

            "I'm KEEPING you here until you're better.  Lucky for you Quatre relieving me in an hour, and then I think It's Trowa's turn."  Duo leaned set the chair back on four legs and tossed his magazine on the table.  "So what do you want to talk about?  We have an entire hour."  

            I turned away from him and focused on my arm.  If I tried hard enough I might be able to get the feeling back, at least enough to slug Duo when he came close enough to my side.  I relaxed completely and closed my eyes as I tried to focus all my energy on my arm.  

            "Are you going to sleep again?"

            I opened my eyes to see Duo leaning over my bed his annoying braid falling over his shoulder and onto my chest.  I wanted to reach up and grab and then punch him for drugging me but I couldn't even form a fist.  "Get out of my face." I growled as I turned away from him and focused on the wall.  I didn't like feeling helpless in fact I had never felt like this before, not even when I was laid up for a week after my Gundam exploded.  

            "Looks like you're getting a little angry there," he chuckled, "can't do anything can you."  

            I felt a slight tingling in my fingers and smiled internally.  I didn't realize the corners of my mouth had turned up until Duo mentioned it.  He leaned a little closer and my once asleep hand balled into a fist.  Using all the strength I had I flung my body weight toward Duo and watched with satisfaction as it smacked smartly across Duo's cheek.  

            "OW!" Duo cried and flew backward and to his knees.  

            I was hurting now and my arm that seemed to have woken up was aching.  I hadn't noticed through the drug haze that it was the shoulder I had been shot in.  I rolled onto my back as I listened to Duo moan and complain before calling the doctors.  At least he would leave me alone for the rest of the day. 

~~~~~``

            "Relena hasn't woken up yet you know."  

            I opened my eyes again and refused to answer him.  He'd been quiet for about twenty minutes before he started talking again.  My punch, though not very efficient had produced a nice sized bruise on his jaw.  If he came next to me again I was going to make sure his entire face was purple.  The doctors had come in and wrestled me to the bed making me more tired than before and pumped full of more drugs.  I wasn't going to talk to him no matter what he was saying.  I closed my eyes and turned my head to the wall.  I didn't care if it was about Relena.  

            "Is she all right?"  

            At first I didn't know it was me who had said it.  My voice was weak and cracking and I wondered if they had slipped something else into me.  I don't know why I was talking to him about her.  

            "I don't know really they just told me that the longer she's out the worse her chances become."  Duo's voice was soft for a moment.  "Her vitals are all right, but she just doesn't seem to want to wake up."  

            I didn't turn around, and didn't answer.  Why did he say she didn't want to wake up?  Relena has everything she wants a job, a family.  She was injured but not that bad.  She had saved him she was stronger than anybody he knew, even himself.  He had tried more than once to take the easy way out.  He'd tried to kill himself for the mission, but as he thought about it he wondered if that was the only reason he had tried.  

            "She'd probably like to see you.  You could help her." 

            I heard him but I didn't answer him.  How was I supposed to help her?  I didn't anything about stuff like this.  I couldn't do anything for her.  

            "I don't want to see her."  I lied my voice a low growl.  There was silence as the words escaped my lips and I didn't know if I was relieved or angered by the fact that he didn't say anything else.  In fact as I lay there for the remainder of the hour Duo didn't say another word to me.  He didn't even say goodbye when Quatre came to take over.  I didn't want to feel hurt by the action but something inside me made me feel sorry.  I wanted to tell him I was sorry for lying.  I wanted to talk to Relena, but more than that I wanted to take the easy way out.    

**Another chapter finished and well there isn't much left.  I know this one is short but I wanted to get it out.  **


	11. Humanity is Relative

**Disclaimer: I own nothing**

**Note: oh the things I do for fan fics.  I got one review thanx much …… and it told me I should forget about the AHP and write the next chapter, so here I am writing chapter 11, or the real chapter 11 sorry about the error.  **

**Memory Lapse **

**Chapter 11 'Humanity is Relative'**

~~~~~~` Heero

            I was getting ready to leave in a few days, though I really could have left a week ago.  I certainly was well enough, but I was being threatened by four pilots at once and even if I was sure I could take them I didn't want to leave just yet.  I was a little confused about Duo's behavior.  He'd been unusually silent towards me since the conversation we'd had about Relena.  I don't exactly understand it.  He didn't even laugh when Wufie pulled his Katana on me when I threatened to jump out the window, though I recall him finding such things funny.  I was serious about the window, but I was just as sure Wufie was going to cut off my arm if I tried.  

            I rotated my shoulder and smiled when I felt no pain.  I hadn't felt pain in it for at least half the week, but after being with it for so long it's nice to bask in the glow of health.  I admit, though never to their faces that I might have needed to extra rest, but while I've been out there has been a lot going on.  Even if the faction of Oz turned out to be rouge and completely unconnected to anybody else I wanted to be there to interrogate the prisoners.  I wanted to; strangely enough see the bodies of those I'd killed.  Their deaths were different than any I remembered from before.  I remember every detail of every person I ever killed, but all of them I'd meant to kill except for four, the little girl and her dog and the three members of Oz.  It's funny how my thoughts are so bisected leaving me thinking of myself as two people.

            It's true in some ways.  I'm not the Heero I was neither am I the man who lost his memory.  I'm in between the two and it seems as if I'm more lost than before.  

            "So you're packing up then.  It's nice to see you when you're not threatening to escape by going through the ceiling tiles or jumping out the four story window."  

            I turned to the doorway to see Quatre walking into the room.  He smiled a little and sat in the chair nearest me.  "I am that is if Duo doesn't try to stop me again.  I have a few thinks I want to talk care of before going back to official duty at the base."  I zipped up my bag and tossed it over my shoulder.  

            "I don't think he will.  Heero are you going to tell her goodbye?"  

            I stiffen slightly and hope he doesn't catch it, but I know he has.  It's the way he looks at me when I turn around.  None of them know that I've already been to see her, that I already told her goodbye, if I go again; see her face I don't know what will happen.  It's scary.  I've never been scared but I'm scared of her.  "No, I don't think I have any reason to."  

            "I think you do."  

            I want to yell at him as he says this but I remain neutral as I stare back, "I don't need to do anything but get out of here and back to work.  The vice foreign minister doesn't need my assistance any longer."  

            "Have you forgotten that she also saved you?" 

            I turn again this time to see Duo.  So he's finally speaking to me.  

            "You may have saved her in the beginning and in the end, but without her you would have been dead, lying in a heap of blood and flesh if she hadn't hauled you to your feet and dragged you to safety.  She could have saved herself, run for help, but she refused to leave your side, now you're walking away from her when she needs you most," Duo's face hardened and he frowned, "you selfish bastard."  

            I feel the anger building inside me at his words and it's mostly because he's right on some level.  If it wasn't for her I'd be dead, but he doesn't know that I've already said my peace.  I have nothing else to say.  I know what I feel and I know what I can act on.  Its logic and precision not love.  I know what matter in the long run, what I have always lived by no matter what my newly gained knowledge contradicts.  My instinct is always stronger and my instinct says to go.  I'm not even going to talk to him.  

            I start to push past him but he grabs my shoulder his eyes smoldering as I look into their depths.  "Don't do this Heero," he pleads, "you know why you can't do this.  Just except it.  It's not an imperfection, okay it's being human and we've already had this conversation.  You're human Heero, flesh and blood that can be shot, injured, and tired.  You're not as invincible as you think."  

            I shrugged him off angry at myself for sticking around and listening to his useless drabble.  I have things to do, things more important than considering my humanity.  Humanity never did anything for me.  

~~~~`

_"You're not a monster."_

_~~~~`_

                Four little words almost brought my resolve tumbling around me.  She'd told me this before at the end of the first war and after Mariemaya.  I'd never believed her or I'd never wanted to or let myself believe it.  There were times when I thought it impossible, but she'd made me believe that there was more.  She'd made me care.  Whether she realized it or not her saving me that week wasn't the first time.  She'd saved me with her love, and kindness.  It wasn't just the compassion she'd showed toward me, but to everyone.  She'd made me realize I had a soul and even if I knew I tainted it was it is a gift I can never repay her for.  All I can do is let her get on with her life whether I love her or not, because when it comes down to it, it doesn't matter if I care for her.

            I believe my words as I shrug away from Duo and Quatre and start down the hall.  I have to take shallow breaths as I pass her room, silent and dark, but I don't stop.  I don't even say goodbye.  I don't have anything to say, because Duo is partly right, but so am I.  

~~~~~~```

            "I can't believe he left!" Duo raged as he slammed his fist into onto the metal of the launch hanger as he watched Heero's Gundam disappear through the skylight overhead.  "I thought for sure he'd stay that…" He trailed off and turned to Quatre.  "Was I crazy to think he had a heart?  
            Quatre merely shrugged, "Heero's problems can't be fixed by a mere change of perspective.  He thinks for whatever reason that Relena is better off without him."  

            "Well he's wrong," Duo slapped his fist onto the metal again not even winching at the smack that resounded around him.  "I heard it in him Quatre, the want and the happiness, yes it was creepy, I admit that, but it was more than that.  I've never seen Heero so sure or even happy than when he told me he loved her, but I don't know…  He told me he was a killer.  He told me he was a monster."  

            "Until he realizes that it's not true he's not going to come back, and even if he does he probably won't come back."  Quatre shook his head.  "You can't change him, he has to change himself."  

            "Why do you have to be all philosophical about everything," Duo grumbled.  "If I had it my way I'd beat the sense into him and then give Relena a bat so she could help me." 

            Quatre chuckled, "Well Heero will be back again in a few weeks you just might get your chance," he softened for a moment, "as for Relena…"  He trailed off.  Things weren't looking good for the vice foreign minister.

~~~~~~~~```` **Relena**

I knew I was dreaming, or at least I thought I was dreaming.  I remembered getting out of the forest, I remembered being rescued, Duo, and Quatre, I remembered it all but yet he was looking over me again.  His face was contorted into an almost inhuman expression his lips curled back and his teeth alarmingly pointed bearing down on me.  I could see his fist raised.  He was going to hit me again.  I clenched my eyes shut and waited for the blow.  It was a dream though right, a dream.  It didn't come and when I opened my eyes again I was in the prison.  They'd taken my clothes and I dived to my knees in an attempt to cover myself.  

            The air was chilly causing goose bumps to pop up all over my body making a fierce chill race up my spine.  I start to shake and then I hear his voice again.  He's coming for me and I back away my body smacking against the far wall but I can't fall far enough into the shadows to conceal myself.  I can see him looking for me the smile on his face, I remember his threats and remember the threats of the others and I start to shake.  Maybe this isn't a dream, maybe the rescue was a dream and I'm trapped here for the rest of my life and Heero is dead.  

            As he came closer his mouth curled into a smile and I was convinced that it had all been a dream. I was stuck here.  I felt the tears coming before I could stop them.  I couldn't talk; I wouldn't talk, no matter what they did to me, if they even wanted information anymore.  He laughed as he opened the prison door and stalked toward me.  I shook he laughed.  

            "What's the matter Relena not happy to see me?" 

            I turned my head and tried to will him to go away but he continued to come closer and it was all I could do to keep myself from screaming. 

~~~~~~~````  **Heero**

            There was a nice breeze ruffling my hair as I stood stock still with my hands in my pockets.  It had been a long time since I'd been out in the sun.  My captures had been very strict on that aspect afraid that I was going to run off, and in all honesty I would have.  I didn't know why I was here.  

            I looked at my feet and across the short grass to the stone pillar rose up and connected across the sidewalk just to my right.  It read 'Oak Ridge Cemetery'.  I didn't know anyone that was buried here and even anyone that would be buried here.  For some reason I stood there looking over the ridge at all the tombstones and felt a deep emptiness swelling in my stomach.  I was completely confused and for the first time in my life I didn't know what to do.  I didn't even have options to choose between there's nothing but this feeling and me standing in front of a graveyard yard.  Sometimes I think I'm searching, but for what I don't know.  

 **Okay even if it doesn't seem like it this story to winding down and almost done in fact I think we're talking about only two more chapters.  I know what you're thinking how does this lead to an end, but it does have a little faith.**


	12. 12

Just a note and a little explanation.  A friend of mine just died yesterday and I haven't stopped writing but I'm taking a little break given that inspiration has kind of left me completely.  I hope to be back by next week, but I can't bring myself to finish my latest chapter at the moment.  


	13. Disconnected

**Disclaimer: I own nothing**

**Memory Lapse**

**Chapter 13 'Disconnected'**

**~~~~~ Heero**

I jerked the controls on my Gundam violently and narrowed my eyes as I completed the complicated maneuver.  The Gundam appeared upright again after a series of turns and twists as well as blasts from an empty cannon.  I was breathing hard feeling the sweat in my pores running down the planes of my face and dripping onto my neck.  I looked through the window where my view of the world was held.  The day was bright, the sky light blue and filled with fluffy clouds.  All around me, I was sure it was bright.  I breathed deeply choking for a moment as I sucked in another breath and breathed out slowly.  

            The world was beginning to look up right again losing the straight lines of battle vision and fading into the more abstract and curving lines of nature.  I had only one way of releasing excess energy and frustration.  I flew my Gundam until I felt better.  Sometimes I'd spend hours outside completing new maneuvers that I'd thought up.  Recently I'd been out everyday, sometimes during the time I was scheduled to work.  I'm behind on reports, distant, and distracted, I am less than myself and I'm still observant enough to know I'm not the only one who has noticed.  Lady Une had tracked me down just the other day and grilled him on the latest field report I had once again failed to turn in.  It wasn't like I'd forgotten to do it.  I knew it was due, knew what I was going to write, yet I'd let the due date pass without much thought and here I was again breathing hard and wondering why everything was suddenly chaotic.  

            My breathing had calmed down and already I could feel the sweat drying on my skin making clammy and cold.  Shaking I head, I felt my damp locks un plaster themselves from my forehead and fall in further disarray around my head.  It was time to head back.  I felt a dull ache in my muscles as he turned toward home again.  The adrenaline was wearing off and I hadn't realized it until this moment that had been so tense during the work out.  I rolled my neck experimentally trying to work the settling stiffness out.  I let my arms fall a little slack as I headed for the base barely touching the controls with the tips of my fingers.  I let the roar of the Gundam's engines calm me as I felt the vibrations of the machine pulsing beneath my feet. 

            Within moments it's in sight and I go over the reentrance ritual giving the codes and pass words I've pacifically step.  Its may code, my security.  I don't even pay attention to it though all of it comes out in rehearsed tones and words.  The roof of the hanger slowly slides open and I flip a few switches before lowing myself to the floor of the hanger next to the other Gundams and mobile suits.  We don't use them much and in my case for special missions and when I feel like this.  Noticing the fact that I feel like anything is a new concept for me.  I try not to think about it.  I was always good at pushing things I didn't find important or even relevant to the back of my mind.  Pain was one of those things, emotion if I even had it was there as well, but now I find it harder to keep at bay.  Harder to ignore and harder even more to not think about her and why everything is so hard now.  

            I hit the ground with a slight jolt and turn off the engines and unbuckle my harness as I open the cot pit.  I step onto the metal hanger hoping for a shower before I have to go back to work, before I have to sit in front of my laptop and do nothing.  Work used to be a release but now it's a burden.  I run my fingers though my hair trying to straighten it, but it's impossible to do and I feel it lift back up after I try to flatten it.  My Preventer's dress shirt is sticking to my chest and the tie around my neck is loose.  

            "Lady Une's looking for you."  

            I turn quickly surprised that I was so distracted I didn't see or hear him come up behind me.  It makes me a little angry.  I snap at him before I realize I'm doing it, "what do you want."  

            Duo just gives me this look like I've said something stupid.  I believe I recall giving him the same one on more than one occasion.  "I told you Lady Une is looking for you.  She sent me to find you, about," he glances down at his watch, "an hour ago actually."  

            I sigh though I'm sure Duo doesn't notice.  My overall appearance doesn't shift from the movement.  I know what she wants, the report due today and the two others I'd failed to turn in.  I should meet her; I should already have them done.  I shouldn't be having this conversation.  "Tell her you couldn't find me."  

            I watch as Duo's brows shoot to his hair line and he looks as if he's about to be sick as he starts to cough.  I watch him for a moment as he calms down and starts to speak again.  "That sounds like one of my lines, now should I jump on you and drag you bodily to Lady Une's side or pull a gun on you?"  

            I narrow my eyes again and shake my head as he push past him.  I don't say anything else to say at the moment.  I'll head home and write the reports and find her later today and turn them in.  I don't need his lip and I know that he won't tell her.  If anything Duo's loyal.  

            "How long are you going to keep hiding?" He calls after me.  

            I ignore him again and hurry down the stairs realizing I'll have to forfeit my shower until I get home.  I don't like the sweat covered clothes sticking to my body.  I don't like the fact that I'm out of uniform.  I don't like that fact that the perfect soldier is no longer so perfect.  I don't like the fact that the order and simplicity of life is crashing down around me proving not only that life is not simple but completely and totally without order.  I especially don't like the fact that every time I see him he brings her up.  I hate even more than when he does I think about her still in the hospital still recovering.  I think about what I feel about her and how much it hurts me when I try to keep myself away.  I think about her eyes her smile, her warmth, her…  I just think about her and again I'm unable to finish my work and once again unable to think about anything but her.

**~~~~~~~``` Relena**

            Nod, smile, gracious rehearsed answer, nod, smile again, smile wider for picture, be upbeat, say good bye.  I watched the reporter leave with contempt boiling just under my skin.  I felt sick and shook my head when Noin looked into the room wanting to know if it was alright to let in another reporter.  I've seen a million of them today.  I told a thousand lies.  I don't want to do it again.  I shake my head no and lay down again feeling the weariness seep into my body again.  The makeup they've so statically placed on my face to hide the pale skin and purpled bruises and reddened cuts smears onto the white case and I want nothing more than to wash it off.  I feel bad enough as it is without the weight of it on my face and making me hot.  I run my hand over the back of my bound hair and tug it free.  It spills around my shoulders and I curl into myself ignoring the way my broken ribs protest or the way the gash on my leg pulses and aches.  

            "You've got three more Relena."  

            I don't look up as I hear Noin come back into the room.  She knows I'm tired, that I hurt more than just physically, yet she pushes mostly because this was my idea.  I don't want to do this anymore though.  Ten was enough.  Ten fake upbeat accounts of what happened.  I realized after looking at the first reporter that they had no real interest in my actual condition.  They didn't care that I was still emotionally scarred from the entire ordeal.  They didn't care that I had nearly died and it had scared me to death but I was able to show that, not to anyone.  They didn't want to hear that Heero and I had both nearly died.  They just wanted to know whether or not the rumors about the two of us were true.  They wanted to know if I wanted to men who had done this to me dead.  They wanted to know stuff that didn't matter and I didn't want to talk to them anymore.  

            "Tell them to go away," I sniffed as tears began to run down my cheeks though I could barely feel the hot droplets through the layers of makeup, "I don't feel like talking."

            "You're almost done." She says softly and I want to scream at her to understand.  I want her to know that I can't do it anymore.  I don't want to think about the faces that haunt my dreams or the nightmares I'm unable to pull myself out of.  

            "I don't care if I'm almost done.  I set this up I can turn them away.  I don't want to do another interview.  It's pointless as it is now."  I raise my voice as another sob escapes my throat and my ribs start to hurt worse than before.  I just curl up tighter and will the ache to stop though it doesn't.  

            "Alright," I hear her answer softly and before I know it she's gone again and I'm alone.  

            I almost want her back.  I hate being alone, but I told her to leave.  I've been like that a lot lately.  I don't seem to know what I want and worse than that my moods have been all over the place.  Sometimes I'm all right, happy, smiling, and then I'm crying and depressed.  I almost want to call for a psychologist to look at me.  I think I'm going crazy, or maybe all those blows to the head did what they were supposed to.  I spent another part of the day wondering whether or not I'm brain damaged.  Between all that and my sleep less nights I think about him.  

            Heero had been so different, yet in him he was the same man I had always known.  I think about the way he rescued me and the 'thank yous' he so willingly gave.  I remember the way he wrapped me in his arms on the way home, how good his warm body felt against mine.  I was pretty sure fever and exhaustion were running rampant over my system right about then.  In fact I didn't even remember getting back.  The last thing I remembered was his strong arms and soft voice.  I don't know what it was he was saying but it had soothed me and those arms I'd slept the only night since.  

            He hadn't come to see her.  I uncurled my body and got to my feet on still shaking legs and headed for the small bathroom.  I guessed that was what was bothering me more than anything.  I'd thought things had changed and in fact they had just not for the best.  The old Heero would have come to see me; the old Heero wouldn't be avoiding me.  I sniffed a little feeling slightly stupid at crying and in front of Noin no less.  Tears made me feel and look weak and that was something I didn't want to be.  I made it to the bathroom with a few stumbles while still clutching my ribcage.  When I reached the faucet I braced my weight on one arm firmly on the sink to steady myself and with the other I turned the water on.  I let it cascade over my fingers for a moment as I waited for the cold water to turn tepid and finally warm.  I pulled a white hospital towel off the rack beside my head and dipped it into water letting the material soak up the water.  

            Without looking in the mirror I wiped the makeup off my face and watched as the white cloth slowly stained a muddy peach brown.  When I was sure the worst of the make up was scrubbed off I looked in the mirror.  Every imperfection was present.  The bruises were bright and the cuts brighter still.  Some of them would scar I was sure of it.  Reaching a hand up to touch the reddened skin I wondered, even though I knew it was silly, if Heero would still want to look at me.  There was one particularly nasty cut running from my nose to the bottom of my cheek.  Even with makeup it had been noticeable.  Would it forever be a reminder, or would it be the cut on her thigh that scarred.  

            "What are you doing up?"

            I whirled around quickly immediately regretting it as a sharp pain raced up my chest and exploded over my entire rib cage making me gasp and crumple.  Noin who I had thought gone reached out and stopped me from hitting the floor though my knees were just above hitting the hard tile.  I gasped for a moment as I saw stars before I was able to stand again.  

            "I was coming back you should have waited for a minute." She scolded angrily.  "I had to tell the reporters you weren't feeling well.  It was hard to get them to go away.  I had to promise they could come back another day."  

            "Maybe I'll have time to slip into another coma." I whisper and I'm not sure whether I'm joking or not.  I was under and asleep for two weeks.  Two weeks of my life that I'll never get back.  Noin doesn't say anything as she helps me get back into bed and I feel myself loathing the confinement.  

            "Why are you doing this to yourself?" She asks after a moment.  

            I look at her for a moment and fray innocence, "what are you talking about?"

            "Why are you beating your self up over him?" 

            I snort, "I'm not," and it's true.  I'm not like this because of him though he is part of it.  I had been almost tortured to death for information it has a way of changing you.  I'm bitter I admit it, but it doesn't change the way I feel.  I don't know if it's worth it anymore and more than that I'm scared.  I wonder whether or not I'm strong enough to keep my mouth shut if it happens again.  I remember my nightmares and the harsh laughter of those torturing me and don't know if I'll be able to stop myself from spilling everything.  I don't want to go though this again.  

            "Do you want to talk about it?" She asks softly pushing my hair out of my face and behind my ears.  

            "No," I choke but I do.  I want to talk about it but not with her.  Whether she realizes it or not, I look up to her.  She's a friend, yes, but first and for most we're in business together.  I'm not going to share my fears with her because I don't feel like I can let my guard down.  It's stupid and I know it yet I sit here feeling just as sad when she begins talking again, trying to cheer me up.  I smile and laugh because I want her here with me, but the emptiness in my soul refuses to leave.  

~~~~~``` **Heero**

            Typed and on her desk, though one is a two weeks late, the other just a week, and the last four days behind.  Given know it would be five days behind.  I had to break into her office to drop them off.  It wasn't that hard though after all I had designed the security system.  It was easy enough to crack.  It had taken me all night to complete them though.  I was unable to keep my thoughts from straying and I'd finally been able to get the facts out.  They weren't long, or perfect, but it was going to have to do for the time being.  Right now I could go home and sleep, or try to sleep.  I hadn't been sleeping well lately.  

            Duo called me again after I'd snuck off for home telling me what I already knew he'd done.  He'd covered for me and then told me he and Quatre, Wufie, and Trowa were going to see Relena.  I'd hung up on him then.  I didn't understand why he wasn't getting the picture.  I didn't want to see her and it was for my and her own good whether he understood that or not.  

            I shoved my hands into the pockets of my jeans and wondered how she was doing exactly.  She was in a coma for two weeks he knew and just woken up a week ago.  Her injuries were healing but he'd overheard conversation about her that was disturbing, aloof, angry, and sad.  He didn't want to believe that they were true but it always nagged at him.  He wondered how the meeting with the other Gundam pilots had gone tonight and whether or not she had missed him.  

~~~~~~```

            Duo didn't like to call it stalking, stalking was something you reserved for long legged brunettes with breast implants, no he was merely keeping a close eye on a friend.    So close even that he knew what he was up to all the time. Hilde had claimed he was glorifying it, he was a stalker.  Duo was trying to figure out a way to get Heero to go see Relena.  Once again Hilde had hounded him telling him it was none of his business and he was should keep out of his friends personal lives and stop playing matchmaker.  He'd had to correct again he wasn't 'playing matchmaker' he was merely making sure his friends desires were fulfilled.  They could thank him when they got married had kids and named their first child after him.  He smirked and peeked through the bushes again and came face to face with a set of Prussian blue eyes.  Duo yelped in surprise and stumbled backward hitting his head on the wall behind the row of bushes he was hiding behind.  

            "What are you doing Maxwell?"  

            It's hard to believe there was an almost sweet Heero lurking around inside the angry man before him.  This Heero, the cold calculated angry Heero he was facing now was a complete contrast.  Duo gulped and hoped the reward for his work wouldn't be another punch in the face.  "Hey Heero." 

            Heero released his grip and pushed Duo away from him slightly.  "Why are you here?" 

            Duo smirked, "Is that anyway to treat your friend?"  

            He only glared and Duo sighed, "Listen I was working late and saw you sneaking into Une's office.  I wanted to know what you were up to, that all."  

            Heero shifted for a moment as if he was contemplating something before speaking again.  This time his gaze was distant.  "How is she?" 

            It was the first time Duo had heard Heero ask about Relena since his stay in the hospital.  It threw him and for a moment he couldn't say anything.  That seemed just long enough for Heero think he wasn't answering and turn around to leave.  

            Duo panicked, "not good." He blurted and immediately winced inwardly as Heero turned around.  Though his face was neutral Duo could tell he was worried.  "She slipped back into a coma this afternoon.  We didn't get to see her."  Heero wasn't doing anything as Duo watched him and he began to wonder what was going on in the pilots mind.     

            "I thought she was okay."

            Duo shrugged his shoulders.  "I don't know what happened, but the doctors say it doesn't look good."  

            Duo wasn't sure if he was seeing things or not but he was certain Heero looked stricken for a moment before he turned back around.  He seemed a little lost even and then the expression was gone and it was monotone expressionless Heero again.  "We didn't even get to see her."  Duo knows he's going to be murdered if Heero finds out he was lying but hopefully he'll be too distracted to care much. 

**~~~~~~``` Heero**

            I don't know exactly what to think when Duo's finishing talking but I can't ignore the rush of panic that runs though me when he tells me she's back in a coma.  I thought she was going to be okay, I though everything was all right.  I don't know how to deal with the rush of emotion and it overwhelms me threatening to draw me under.  For a moment I think I going to drown.  

            "Heero?"

            I look at him and I know immediately at there's something on my face that gives away my feelings.  I try to push it back but it's hard.  It's never been so hard before.  I want to see her again despite my promises not to.  I want to see her despite what I might do.  I can't let her die and not see her once last time.  Swallowing hard I change course and head for the hospital.  It's actually not far from the base.  I ignore Duo's call for me as I leave him standing there.  

            With the moon still high in the night sky I stop just in front of the hospital.  Visiting hours are over, but I know where she's at and sneaking in won't be a problem.  I don't know what I'm doing as I sneak through the lobby and to the floor where she's at.  I try not to think at all until I'm at her door and I go in.  I see her immediately her pale and bruised skin reflecting the blue light of the moon. She looks as if she's sleeping peacefully but as I remember Duo's words I know it's not true.  This is a sleep she may never wake from and I can't help but feel it's my fault.  Was I so selfish to think bringing her back was enough to save her?  I didn't do enough for her before.  I couldn't remember how to help her.  It was my fault she was so sick.  Even though I had tried to keep her away from the fate I was sure to give her I'd failed.  Relena might just die and I would be the one who killed her.  I don't know what I'm doing as I stand in the doorway speechless my hands still shoved in my pockets.  What am I supposed to say to her?  Can she even hear me?  I take a step closer feeling as if so much depends on what I'm about to do.  I don't know I'm shaking until I'm by her side and I reach for her.  

            I watch my fingers shake involuntarily and I swallow hard and ball the shaking hand into a fist so tight that my knuckles whiten before I draw it back to my side.  My eyes rest on her face and her bright blond locks.  I remember the way she looked at me and begged me to get up.  She begged me to live.  Can I do the same for her?  I don't know if I can and the thought scares me even more.  

**So one more chapter after this one and I'm back just like I promised.  Thanks to everyone who understood and you condolences are appreciated.  It's still hard but I do feel better.    **


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